Mandy Stadtmiller Dot Com

I moved to SoHo and am sorting through 32 years. I quite enjoyed this. Via Gawker.

But most days, if you're aware enough to give yourself a choice, you can choose to look differently at this fat, dead-eyed, over-made-up lady who just screamed at her kid in the checkout line. Maybe she's not usually like this. Maybe she's been up three straight nights holding the hand of a husband who is dying of bone cancer. Or maybe this very lady is the low-wage clerk at the motor vehicle department, who just yesterday helped your spouse resolve a horrific, infuriating, red-tape problem through some small act of bureaucratic kindness. Of course, none of this is likely, but it's also not impossible. It just depends what you what to consider. If you're automatically sure that you know what reality is, and you are operating on your default setting, then you, like me, probably won't consider possibilities that aren't annoying and miserable. But if you really learn how to pay attention, then you will know there are other options. It will actually be within your power to experience a crowded, hot, slow, consumer-hell type situation as not only meaningful, but sacred, on fire with the same force that made the stars: love, fellowship, the mystical oneness of all things deep down.

Not that that mystical stuff is necessarily true. The only thing that's capital-T True is that you get to decide how you're gonna try to see it.

This, I submit, is the freedom of a real education, of learning how to be well-adjusted. You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn't. You get to decide what to worship.

Because here's something else that's weird but true: in the day-to day trenches of adult life, there is actually no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. And the compelling reason for maybe choosing some sort of god or spiritual-type thing to worship -- be it JC or Allah, bet it YHWH or the Wiccan Mother Goddess, or the Four Noble Truths, or some inviolable set of ethical principles -- is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive. If you worship money and things, if they are where you tap real meaning in life, then you will never have enough, never feel you have enough. It's the truth. Worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly. And when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally grieve you. On one level, we all know this stuff already. It's been codified as myths, proverbs, cliches, epigrams, parables; the skeleton of every great story. The whole trick is keeping the truth up front in daily consciousness.

Worship power, you will end up feeling weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to numb you to your own fear. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart, you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out. But the insidious thing about these forms of worship is not that they're evil or sinful, it's that they're unconscious. They are default settings.

They're the kind of worship you just gradually slip into, day after day, getting more and more selective about what you see and how you measure value without ever being fully aware that that's what you're doing.

And the so-called real world will not discourage you from operating on your default settings, because the so-called real world of men and money and power hums merrily along in a pool of fear and anger and frustration and craving and worship of self. Our own present culture has harnessed these forces in ways that have yielded extraordinary wealth and comfort and personal freedom. The freedom all to be lords of our tiny skull-sized kingdoms, alone at the center of all creation. This kind of freedom has much to recommend it. But of course there are all different kinds of freedom, and the kind that is most precious you will not hear much talk about much in the great outside world of wanting and achieving.... The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in myriad petty, unsexy ways every day.

That is real freedom. That is being educated, and understanding how to think. The alternative is unconsciousness, the default setting, the rat race, the constant gnawing sense of having had, and lost, some infinite thing.

to all the people who write into me regarding the "About Last Night" column in The Post, so I thought I'd collect a few of them here and share with you.

(Names and email addresses have been protected, except for Julia Allison, Carrie Seim, Judy McGuire, Cathy Alter and Samantha Levy who are all writers themselves.)

Thanks to everyone.

Here are some of my favorites.

-----Original Message-----
From: stephxxxxxxx@gmail.com
Sent: Mon 7/2/2007 5:46 PM

J'ADORE!!! Mandy you are the f-ing greatest.

-----Original Message-----
From: jjxxxxx@myway.com
Date: Tue, 3 Jul 2007 12:23:08 -0400 (EDT)

You live a life filled with passion and intrigue. It's like a good Lifetime made-for-tv movie, without Valerie Bertinelli.

Great Column.

-----Original Message-----
Date: Tue, 7 Aug 2007 17:31:12 -0400
From: judy.mcguire@gmail.com

Hey Mandy,
I write a dating column for the Seattle Weekly and really enjoy your Post stuff.

Judy McGuire

-----Original Message-----
From: fwxxx@aol.com
Sent: Tue 8/14/2007 3:13 PM
To: Stadtmiller, Mandy
Subject: not to feed ur head

but my friend is obsessed with you. He's married, then he got really drunk towards the end of the night and he was like "i love mandy." so funny.

-----Original Message-----
From: trishxxxxxxx@yahoo.com
Sent: 8/21/2007 3:59 PM
To: Stadtmiller, Mandy
Subject:

Hey Mandy,
I love your column, you are hilarious! The cellphone name change was just brilliant and this weeks column about seeing your ex was so touching.

Trish

-----Original Message-----
From: abcdxxx@aol.com
Sent: Sun 9/2/2007 11:26 AM

Enjoyed your "About Last Night" column today. You're a very funny, witty writer. Just be careful of those "Crazies."
All the best,
Bill

-----Original Message-----
From: traderxxxxxx@yahoo.com
Sent: Mon 10/1/2007 9:25 AM
To: Stadtmiller, Mandy
Subject: Mackenzie...

Dear Mandy,

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences in your column, About Last Night. I thoroughly enjoy reading each and every weekly update. The romantic in me wishes you all the love and happiness in the world with your relationship to "SP"! The realist in me is probably very much like your friend Mackenzie, except not as smart as her...I must say I nearly fell off my chair laughing (ya gotta keep laughing) in empathy for all those "maddening experiences of the modern single woman in NYC"... and in Newport, and in the Hamptons, and in Oshkosh, and... Please thank Mackenzie for me - I am reminded never to compromise my values and/or beliefs for any man, especially those who believe in objectivism, haha!

Best Wishes to you and your girlfriends - may you all experience happiness, success and true love always

-----Original Message-----
From: jmoxxx@gmail.com
Sent: 7/9/2007 2:26 PM

Love your writing and loved this piece. Super bold. Super true. carry on...

-----Original Message-----
From: jackiexxxxxx@gmail.com
Sent: Tue 7/10/2007 5:01 PM

I loved this. For reals

---Original Message-----
From: Anna [mailto:annaxxxxxxxx@gmail.com]
Sent: Thu 8/23/2007 2:07 PM
To: Stadtmiller, Mandy
Subject: nice...:)

Just wanted to say I totally loved your last column - got me all choked up.

A.

-----Original Message-----
From: grxxxxxx@yahoo.com
Sent: Tue 8/28/2007 12:46 PM

Yes, I do look forward to reading it every Sunday!

-----Original Message-----
From: jmoxxx@gmail.com
Sent: Tue 8/21/2007 4:49 PM
Subject: recent column

Hey Mandy,

Umm, I loved your column about the waxing wisdom. A lot. Gives me hope, that maybe I'll see the other side. No joke, you've offered this broken heart HOPE! Bedankt.

-----Original Message-----
From: jenn_xxxxxxx@tmo.blackberry.net
Sent: 8/6/2007 10:26 PM
Subject: Praise
I just absolutely love your articles. I look forward to it every Sunday. Keep continuing what you do.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

-----Original Message-----
From: stephxxxxxxx@vzw.blackberry.net wrote:
Date: Mon, 24 Sep 2007 22:14:18 +0000

I'm obsessed with your column!!!! It's phenomenal and my friends and I all turn to it first thing every sunday! Yay to you!

-----Original Message-----
Date: Fri, 05 Oct 2007 00:26:25 -0500
From: kyle@xxxxxxxxxxxx.com

Just wanted to drop you a quick line to say Hey, and that I've been getting a hella kick out of your column -- the column scares the hell out of me a bit, really. I think that's why I like it so much. The writing is great, and the subject matter (ugh, I just originally wrote "content") is a real highwire act.

Bravo.

Kyle.

-----Original Message-----
From: ABExxxx@aol.com
Sent: Sun 10/7/2007 12:49 PM
Subject: great column

Mandy:

I really enjoy reading your "About Last Night" columns on Sundays. Today's column was great!

Thanks for the writing.

Alen

-----Original Message-----
From: LSTARxx@aol.com
Sent: Mon 10/22/2007 2:54 PM
Subject: your column

Hey Mandy,

I just wanted to say that I really enjoy your column, it's a great read.

Lisa

-----Original Message-----
From: Darcyxxxx@billburg.com
Sent: Wed 10/24/2007 5:02 PM
Subject: funny girl

Mandy,

As a fanatical reader of your dating column, I just wanted to write in and wish you luck in the comedy competition. Make 'em laugh until they're all sitting in puddles. My girlfriends and I view your relationship with Super Preppy as an inspiring success story. "See, one of us made it!" It keeps us going after the assorted bad dates and misbegotten entanglements that make the life of a young woman in New York so vibrant and interesting. We get more "I've been there" girl moments from your writing than any other dating/sex columnist or blogger out there. One of my cohorts (it's not me, I swear!) takes her admiration one step further, proposing that we make and wear "I'd go gay for Stadtmiller" t-shirts. What do you think? You could sell them on your website, along with a male version reading, "Stadtmiller turned me straight." You can get back to me on that.

Again, best of luck, and thanks for your kick-ass column!

Love,
Darcy

-----Original Message-----
From: beaxxxxxxxxx@mac.com
Sent: Sun 11/25/2007 1:04 PM
Subject: liked your thanksgiving article

hi mandy,

i just wanted to let you know that i enjoy reading your article on sundays in the post - i always find they make me smile at least once! but i definitely appreciated todays article. i'm also 37, getting divorced (although i'm happy about it - but it's still scary at times) and entering the ny dating scene. i'm a native chicagoan - you're from chicago, right? - i think you mentioned it in one of your articles over summer. anyway, thanks for sharing your talent!

best wishes to you!

----Original Message-----
From: krxxxxx@gmail.com
Sent: 11/26/2007 7:31 AM
Subject: thanks for Sunday's column

Mandy,

Your column this past Sunday was so touching. I am now in the beginning stages of a divorce. My husband of 4 years decided that marriage is not for him. It is amazing how various friends and family come to your aid at such a dark time. Sometimes I feel as if I can't cry anymore but somehow I do.

Reading your column gives me strength as well - knowing that I will one day be happy again. So thank you Mandy, for making someone going through a really bad time feel good.

Happy Holidays,

Karen

----Original Message-----
From: grxxxxxx@yahoo.com
Sent: 11/26/2007 12:29 PM
Subject:

Though this week brought a tear to my eye - things to be thankful for - just lovely! I'm keeping this one.

----Original Message-----
From: Faye@xxxxxxxxxxxx.com
Sent: 11/26/2007 3:09 PM
Subject:

Hello Mandy,

I loved your piece in yesterday's Post and overall enjoy following your work. Your piece was truly inspiring!

Warmly,

Faye

----Original Message-----
From: xxxxxxMint@aol.com
Sent: Mon 11/26/2007 8:44 AM
Subject: counting friends and blessings

Hey, Mandy, Thanks for a beautiful holiday column. Your friends are lucky to have You in their life!

Have a super season!!

And, thanks again for your inspiring writing.

-----Original Message-----
From: markxxxxxxxxxx@mac.com]
Sent: Sun 12/2/2007 7:06 PM
Subject: Great Column

Hey -

Just wanted to holla and tell you how much I enjoyed your writing.

Mark

----Original Message-----
From: carolinexxxxxx@hotmail.com
Sent: Sun 1/6/2008 4:30 PM
Subject: Loved your column

Found it so inspirational!

-----Original Message-----
From: microxxxxxx@gmail.com
Sent: Sun 1/6/2008 8:08 PM
Subject: Your article: Rules for Getting Your Own Super something in '08

Mandy,

I thought this article was awesome. The words leaped off the page and smacked me in the face. I especially like Rule 5, which put rejection, something I saw as only negative, into a positive light. And given the opportunity, I will gladly kiss as if my life depends upon it.

Best,
Steve

-----Original Message-----
From: Starxxxxxxx@aol.com
Sent: Mon 1/7/2008 10:41 AM
Subject: Thank you ! :) .....and Happy New Year to you and SP ! :)

Well Ms. Mandy.......
I read and love your column ! :) You have a lot of insight and wit. For some reason........I never really thought that it applied me......at my time of life.......or situation........UNTIL YESTERDAY ! Up until then.........I just enjoyed the open quality of your writing. But....yesterday's words hit me in a deep way.........and I am taking them to heart.

Thank you for that........ and good luck to you !
Bonita.........a Mandy Stadtmiller reader. :)

----Original Message-----
From: grxxxxxx@yahoo.com
Sent: Mon 1/7/2008 1:24 PM
To: Stadtmiller, Mandy
Subject:

Now I'm becoming mushy over this week's column - I must admit I agree with it all - I've always thought making that call was being pushy and the whole rejection but was heart-wrenching but you know the old saying - try, try until you succeed.. and after the first rejection, it gets much easier - plus, who really gets it on the first go!

----Original Message-----
From: timothyxxxxxxxx@gmail.com
Sent: 1/8/2008 7:17 PM
To: Stadtmiller, Mandy

Dear Ms. Stadtmiller
I began reading the Sunday New York Post over the summer of 2007, and I really enjoy your column.

-----Original Message-----
From: mariexxxxxxx@yahoo.com
Sent: 1/9/2008 3:59 PM
Subject: thanks

Hello Mandy, my name is Marie and I have been divorced for 3 years. I want to tell you how much I enjoy your article in the Sunday paper. I especially loved the Thanksgiving one, and last week. I cut them both out, made copies for friends, and have re-read them several times. I had a first date this past Saturday which didn't go well, and woke up Sunday wishing I was still with the guy I broke up with in the Fall. I read your article about no more regrets, and no more excuses, and I immediately felt better.

I wish you all the best with "SP" and once again, thanks for reminding me that the best is yet to come.
Sincerely,
Marie

-----Original Message-----
From: julia@juliaallison.com
Sent: 1/10/2008 4:32 PM
Subject: Good stuff, mandy

http://www.nypost.com/seven/01062008/entertainment/dating/rules_for_getting_
your_own_super_somethi_396833.htm

Solid, solid advice.

Happy new year to you!

PS I quoted you on my blog:

http://juliaallison.tumblr.com/post/23478906

And I already got an email from a reader saying that because she read that, she called a Mr. Perfect that had just been too busy to call her ...

YOUR KARMA IS GONNA BE OFF THE CHARTS!

-----Original Message-----
From: cathy@cathyalter.com
Sent: 1/10/2008 4:42 PM

You are so wonderful, Mandy!

Your fan for life,
Cathy

-----Original Message-----
From: Jewelxxx@aol.com
Sent: 1/13/2008 7:41 PM

Hi-
I just wanted to tell you I really enjoy your column. I look forward to it every week. I smile when I read it, I relate to the stories--and appreciate the advice.

Thanks.

-----Original Message-----
From: taraxxxxxx@yahoo.com
Sent: 1/14/2008 4:10 PM
Subject: Thank you

hi mandy,
I wanted to let you know I loved this weeks column. I really felt like it was the kind of advice and words of wisdom everyone needs to hear and the kind of advice we need to heed to! the best part is it told me to be my OWN cheerleader- how very true! I look forward to more stuff like this in the future! thank you thank you!

-----Original Message-----
From: madisonxxx@aol.com
Sent: 1/15/2008 11:11 AM
To: Stadtmiller, Mandy
Subject: love your column!!

hi mandy!

i have been reading your column since it first came out-
i just wanted to say that every week your column gets better- as a woman, a single one at that, i appreciated the advice on both getting my own SP and feeling confident + caring about myself...thanks for covering the stuff that every other dating column seems to
skip over,

erica

-----Original Message-----
From: jordanxxxxx@yahoo.com>
To: mstadtmiller@yahoo.com
Sent: Sunday, January 20, 2008 2:49:17 PM
Subject: Awesome "About Last Night"

'...Is it fast enough that you can drive away?
You've got to make a decision:
Leave tonight,
Or live and die this way.'

J

-----Original Message-----
From: talentxxx@yahoo.com
Sent: 2/3/2008 5:02 PM
To: Stadtmiller, Mandy

Hi Mandy
I am one of your many male readers. I always read your articles as a guilty pleasure to try and figure out how women think. ( It is still such a mystey to me.) However; I was really impressed with your description of "Hot Young Thing." Just wanted to let you know I enjoy your articles :)
Bye
John

-----Original Message-----
From: kirsten.xxxx@gmail.com
Sent: Sunday, February 3, 2008 1:37:09 PM
Subject: about last night

Dear Mandy,
I just wanted to drop you a line to tell you how much today's About Last Night spoke to me. I have been in a relationship that i know i must get out of. I am having a hard time pulling the trigger for a million reasons but i am going to keep reading that post until i do. Although i love this man more than anyone in the world, i sometimes regret using the 20's era to be... so responsible, but your article gave me hope and less regret knowing i would be where i am anyhow. Thank you so much. Thank you

Kirsten

-----Original Message-----
From: xxxxxx.scot@gmail.com
Sent: 2/10/2008 5:06 PM
Subject: Just wanted to say...

How much I enjoy your "about last night" column every week. I love "real" first-person columns and it is the best part of my sunday Post.

Scot

-----Original Message-----
From: carrie@carrieseim.com
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2008 6:29:09 PM

Hi Mandy,

I'm a huge fan of your column.

Carrie

-----Original Message-----
From: sandra@xxxxxxx.com
Sent: 3/3/2008 3:36 PM
To: Stadtmiller, Mandy
Subject: Beautiful column

Sunday's column was super special-- it seemed transformational.
You are a brave woman.
And it was a joy to read it.
Keep on girl!

-Sandra

-----Original Message-----
From: latinxxxxxxx@aol.com
Sent: 3/26/2008 4:02 PM
To: Stadtmiller, Mandy
Subject: Thank You

Hi Mandy!
I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your column every week. I am a single female living in Boston and I can totally relate to the stories and people that you write about.

But most of all, you give me hope. Dating sucks but it's all a growing and learning experience. We all have battle scars but it's

All in how you wear them and learn from them. I loved your column on 1/6/08. I cut out the rules you listed and keep them handy when I need a reality check! :)

Keep up the great and inspiring work and good luck with Super Preppy! He sounds like an amazing man! Take care!

-----Original Message-----
From: ABExxxx@aol.com
Sent: 3/30/2008 1:04 PM
Subject: spectacular column

Mandy:

I loved today's column -- it's my new favorite "About Last Night" piece, and the first one I am saving.

Have a good one,

Alen

-----Original Message-----
From: lauren.xxxx@gmail.com
Sent: 4/6/2008 1:37 PM
To: Stadtmiller, Mandy
Subject:

I read your column in the Post every Sunday. Love it for a million reasons.

-----Original Message-----
From: Glenxxxxxx@xxxxxxxxx.com]
Sent: 4/13/2008 7:53 PM
To: Stadtmiller, Mandy
Subject: Facebook column

What's up Mandy! I enjoy it and read it every Sunday I get the chance to.

...And when I read your column LAST sunday about how you were finding things out based on the dude changing his Facebook status, BOY did that hit a nerve!

Twice last year, in separate circumstances, I was casually involved with females. We were clear on the situations, and things appeared to be going fine. In both circumstances, I one day signed onto my facebook to see their status change to "In a Relationship"...and they weren't talking about me! Yes, I found out we were no longer going to be seeing each other via Facebook. Those situations also occured within weeks of each other, no joke.

I've also been burned via Myspace comments on other people's pages, but that's a whole entire story.

-Glenn

-----Original Message-----
From: taraxxxxxx@yahoo.com
Sent: 4/15/08 10:06 AM
To: Stadtmiller, Mandy
HUGE fan of your column

How are you? I wanted to let you know I'm the biggest fan of your column...I look forward to it to it every Sunday.

Warm regards,

Tara

-----Original Message-----
From: mvxxxxx@yahoo.com
Sent: 4/21/2008 12:59 PM
To: Stadtmiller, Mandy
Subject: FYI:

I really enjoyed your column this week. Very true, very motivating.

-----Original Message-----
From: michaelxxxxxx@msn.com
Sent: 4/27/2008 7:25 PM

Hi Mandy,
I read your column, mostly for entertainment, but often, you are right on the money...I'm something of a cynic and you seem to be a hopeful romantic..wish I could get to that place again..

Thanks for the inspiration!
BTW, it's a big deal when a guy buys a toothbrush for a woman. I've only done it twice...one I married, one I wish I had...I still miss both of them...but I still have the toothbrushes...and the memories..

Kind Regards,
Mike

-----Original Message-----
From: joan@xxxxxxxxxxxx.com
Sent: 05/01/2008 12:41 PM

Hi Mandy-
I love your Sunday column-it sounds like you're have the time of your life in your column!!!
Joan

-----Original Message-----
From: samanthablevy@gmail.com
Sent: 5/4/2008 8:02 AM
Subject: Thank You

F--- yeah YOU CAN. this column rocked!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Bear with me

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Slang bang!

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

How rad that I got to see

Monday, May 5, 2008

I never have time to write back

My life in Facebook

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Back to Chicago

Previous Posts

Archives