LEAVE it to racially charged insult comic Lisa Lampanelli to be angry at Michael Richards - not for using the n-word,
but, as she joked at a Friars Club luncheon yesterday, because "he stole my act," reports The Post's Mandy Stadtmiller. In a laughter-packed interview with TV host Bill Boggs, Lampanelli explained, "I obviously write the jokes with the intention of making fun of the stereotype of idiots who actually believe the stereotypes." However, she spewed a little vitriol of her own when she slammed "self-serious [bleep] dyke Sandra Bernhard who I [bleep]ing hate" because the rival comic went on Howard Stern's show and trashed her. "I'm a nice freaking person," Lampanelli said. "I have feelings!"
The only thing more awkward than fashion giant Andre Leon Talley insistently calling Jennifer Hudson the "People's Princess" at the Oscars pre-show over and over again? The insane outfit that he styled her in: a metallic python bolero over a floor-length brown gown by Oscar de la Renta.
Yes, you read that right. A metallic python bolero.
Paired with that brown dress, it was snakes on a plain. It was Ming the Merciless meets "Battlefield Earth." It was, as humorist Andy Borowitz notes, like a "rejected design for the Freedom Tower."
You are bald and you are beautiful, and this could be the most brilliant career move you've ever made. All you need is a little bit of advice from someone who's been there, done that, and I'm more than happy to oblige.
Eleven years ago, in college, I shaved my head, too, and while it's not easy (the stares) or fun (the laughter) or even wise (the searing, almost unbearable sense of regret), it can be just the ticket you need to establish yourself as a Serious Female Artist with Very Serious Female Concerns.
Rolling Stone columnist Rob Sheffield can expertly identify some of the most important mix-tape categories currently known to man,
like "The Party Tape," or "We're Doing It? Awesome!" He even nails that particular brand of mix he likes to call "You Like Music, I Like Music, I Can Tell We're Going to Be Friends."
who helps me out with keeping up with MySpace and sometimes with Blogger and sometimes just being there to say cheer the hell up, it's all going to work out, started sending me hysterical emails from the very beginning of our very professional relationship.
Like, I asked her to add this comment for new friends: "You are spectacular. Love, Mandy Stadtmiller."
And so she writes:
Okay, so you now have ten new friends, each unique in their own special way. About half of those friends know that you think they are spectacular. The other half know only that you cared enough to add them. This is in part due to issues with my computer. There were some sites (Todd Spielmacher in particular) that it kicked me out of every time I tried to add a comment to hisspace. Perhaps Todd has intimacy issues. The other problems were self created simply because before today, I was a myspace virgin. Now I am not and truth be told, I feel a little dirty, a little used up. Tomorrow however, I will know to add comments before I add new people to your sea of friends and then have to fish them out. Tomorrow, I will know to take off the quote marks before I cut and paste your comment so you don't look like you are doing a Britney Spears air quote. Luckily, I only did that once and it was on the "Sexy Kittys" site and I don't think they use good punctuation as the main qualification for whether or not you are friend material, if you know what I mean. And then there was Lester, just Lester. Lester has 4 friends. 4. And they are all women with their backs turned to the camera and their pants pulled down. I could feel him masturbating while I was in hisspace. And so Mandy, I could not bring myself to post a comment on there because I didn't want him to think that you thought there was anything the least bit spectacular about that. No ma'am. Not on my watch.
Hope your day is going well, K
Which I shared with several friends because that's some funny shit.
But anyway, Kiki has also been sharing with me some pictures of her gorgeous family and stories about them and after the last batch, I said, you should start a blog. Check out Dooce, and then start a blog. And today she did, and boy, it made me happy. It really did.
Colleen tagged me to share some stuff that you didn't know about me. I'm not going to tag others because I don't do that kind of stuff. But I would do you, Colleen. Thanks.
1) Today I almost wiped out on an icy patch and nearly smashed my face in but didn't and walked away with barely a scratch and as I was busy chanting thank you, thank you, thank you sweet heavens above for not smashing my face in a few blocks later I realized that I had been carrying the DVD "The Departed" and alas the movie was now departed and then I realized that at one time in my life I had been 23 years old and then I couldn't get away from it, 23, 23, 23, 23. It was everywhere!
2) Then I called my parents and asked them if they thought every movie I rented the title would happen to me and then I realized that I had called them at 11:12 p.m. and that it all added up, it wouldn't stop adding up, 23, 23, 23 and then we decided I should probably rent "Million Dollar Baby" because maybe I'd give birth to money next ha ha!
3) Then I asked them if they had seen "Million Dollar Baby," and they had not but they knew that the girl who wins prizes for getting beaten to death in movies gets beaten to death in it and then I was like how did you know that and they were like word gets around about that kind of thing and then they realized that 2 different people had spoiled the ending for them using 3 different syllables ("Hey." "She dies.") and then I was like how do I know I wouldn't hurt someone, how can I really be sure??? 23, 23, 23!! !!!
4) Then I told my parents that I wished I was coming home to someone because I was feeling sorry for myself with my nearly smashed in face and my lost movie and they said, "Coming home, like to a boyfriend?" and I said, "No, like to a slave," and they both agreed this is exactly what my personal ad should specify and then I realized that if I were to post the ad I would want to do it on a personals site called Veinte Tres except that site doesn't exist yet but it will someday except not until the year 2323!
And then I peed my pants 19 times plus 5 take away 1.
5) Kidding, guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate slavery.
Also:
23) Pssst. Thanks to everyone who came to The Rejection Show/Mortified V-Day event. Wow. What an audience. Seriously. Haven't had that much fun performing in ages. When I get the video from my friend Bobby Miller, I'll post it soon.
In the meantime, here's Jon Friedman and Sara Schaefer's very funny opening sequence they shot for the show. And thanks to Jon for putting the whole damn thing together. What a triumph and a delight that guy is. I'm going to go rent "Babel" now and find myself not able to shut up about it. (Babble. Get it. Thanks.) Later.
Be sure to come out for this joint Rejection/Mortified show that I'm doing tomorrow night.
I will be doing a performance whereby I use all of the "True/False" statements in a psychological inventory test to see how much action it gets me online. And how long it takes for someone to finally reject me.
Robert_hard: what do u look like? Sexy_lady: I believe I'm being plotted against. Robert_hard: 5'9 170 pds dark hir hzel eyes. Sexy_lady: I frequently feel there's nothing inside me, like I'm empty and hollow. Robert_hard: i have 8" and am stroking it Sexy_lady: I'm afraid to get really close to another person because it may end up with my being ridiculed or shamed. Robert_hard: im not wearing any pants
Advanced reservations are sold out. But limited tickets are available at the door—and based on people coming and going, I'd say your chances for getting in are good. Please note: The show-show is over after about an hour and a half, but then the rest of the evening is a gigantic party of love and peace and freedom.
The cult-favorite live comedy series The Rejection Show and Mortified join forces for an evening of their best breakup, heartbreak and love related performances from shows past blending into and evening of love song karaoke, live music, DJ, drinks and partying. If you're single, feeling alone, rejected, don't have a date or don't like traditional Valentine's Day routines then The Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater is the place to be on Valentine's Day '07! Don't feel left out happy couples. All are welcome to party and see some hilariously heartbreaking performances.
Featuring HEARTBREAKING performances from:
Jon Friedman Gabe & Jenny Adam Wade Sara Schaefer Katina Corrao Adrianne Frost Matt Goldich Todd Levin Rachel Kramer Bussel Mike Albo Mandy Stadtmiller Giulia Rozzi Brandy Barber Sara Jo Allocco Victoria Scroggins A Cartoon from Odd Todd AND MORE SPECIAL GUESTS!
LIVE MUSIC FROM: THE DEFIBULATORS LEIBYA ROGERS STUCKEY AND MURRAY CHUCK & JAWNEE
Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater 307 West 26th Street Between 8th and 9th Avenue
A snapshot of life on the prowl with peerless paparazzo
Brett Kaffee is the last person on earth who should be a member of the paparazzi.
He's an ex-Marine who has traveled to every continent in the world, a former activist for organizations such as Witness for Peace, a scholar of political science who has had his photos used on the floor of the House of Representatives - and right now he is staking out Paris Hilton in the heart of cobble-stoned SoHo.
"You're not going to save the world through pictures," observes the 32-year-old New Jersey native, who describes his line of work as "90 percent James Bond and 10 percent photography."
'We are all a little crazy when it comes to sex," says 28-year-old Jon Collins, one of the performers in this year's fourth annual "Worst. Sex. Ever." stage show at the Bowery Poetry Club on Valentine's Day. "My attitude has always been to laugh at it, even during, which can be a little awkward, but it's kind of funny when you think about it."
my ex-mother-in-law tonight who is one of the kindest women I've ever known and who I will always love for the rest of my life. And I told her how completely spent I felt and she kept asking me, is your dream worth it? And I said, yes, it is worth it.
Then we talked for a long time, and I kept looking for the kicker, that's what we call it in journalism, we call it "the kicker," that clever little punchy thing that ends a story, that wraps it up and lends some meaning to it all. But the problem is my life feels so messy and so without a kicker right now that I wasn't sure that I was going to find one from a phone call with Alicia. But then it came. Kind of out nowhere, and with just the right amount of everything.
It was the ending. It was an ending I was looking for.
"Do you want me to read that prayer that you gave to me?" she asked, and I realized I had forgotten about the prayer completely.
I've given it to several people, anyone who might be going through a terrible time, and all with the caveat that I don't know how I feel about religion but I do try to find the beauty in what I can. And this is something that is filled with it.
I used to keep it tucked in my wallet but god knows where it is now. I first read it when I was moving from Chicago, staying with my smarter than most people I know 94-year-old great, great aunt who lives in Akron, Ohio, who giggles at what makes her happy, which is a lot, and whose eyes sparkle with intelligence.
One night when I was there I found a note she left for her son, now passed away, resting inside a wicker basket and written in her neat, cursive handwriting.
"Do not look forward to what might happen tomorrow. The same everlasting Father who cared for you today will care for you tomorrow and every day. Either he will shield you from suffering or he will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace, then, and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations. - St. Francis de Sales. From your loving mother Ruth, 1993."
I mentioned to Ruth that I thought it was a very beautiful note and while she is very smart and very quick she is still 94 and she smiled with intelligence and she said, "How does it go? Could you read it to me again?"
And I read it to her several times.
She didn't remember it at first, but then she did.
And I felt grateful for the moment.
When I drove from Ohio to Connecticut for the second part of my journey to New York, I came to spend the night at Mike's mom's house. I mentioned to Alicia the prayer.
She liked it and copied it down. She shared it with her father and her sister and her brother and other people in her family because we are all spent, we are all exhausted at times.
And tonight she found it resting on a windowsill in her kitchen, written in her neat, cursive handwriting. She read it to me several times.
When I interviewed Jimmy Kimmel a few months back, he mentioned to me how Uncle Frank actually used to work security at Old St. Patrick's cathedral for many years. (Which, if you've ever been, you realize how truly special that is.)
the young waiter tells the two attractive women in their mid-30s being seated in the far back corner of the garden atrium at the Waverly Inn restaurant, a section increasingly known as "Siberia" by anyone who's ever dined there. "It's not you, it's us."
Hot air is streaming in from the kitchen, where the staff can be heard noisily clanging back and forth, and it's suddenly all very clear: These women are nobodies.
Still, it could be worse. Also stuck in Siberia is "Saturday Night Live" alum Jimmy Fallon, who walked into the Village restaurant with a flourish of hugs and handshakes for everyone in sight.
Now he's parked in Nowheresville with several pals, while current "SNL" star Maya Rudolph has been granted a sweet spot in the main dining room, not too far from current A-list guest of honor Gwyneth Paltrow.
I wrote this essay for Match.com about how I spent my first Valentine's Day as a D.U.C. alone
Thanks to Laura for making it happen, and thanks to Sara and Megan who read it over and sagely advised against the use of D.U.C. in the story. (That phrase is going to catch on, though. Just you wait.)
Actually, come to think of it, thanks to Sara, Megan, Steve, Katherine, Mackenzie, Mel, Amy, Anna, Maggie, Pete, Nikki, Luke, Chelsea, Elina, Laura, Michael, Karen, Greg, Kiki, Siobhan, Camille, Lester, Melissa, Suzie, Deb, Carla, Dave, Maura, Court, Sang, Kyle and all the other people who are consistently so patient and so helpful with their feedback and their time.
You can read the piece here and then you can make arrangements to spend this year's V-Day with me over here.
(Please note: Unfortunately, that is not a picture of me above the Match.com story, but I do own a flower that I am also very sad about.)
You know how sometimes there's one moment that makes an entire evening worthwhile?
Yeah, well for me on Saturday night that was meeting the dude who created VH1's Pop-Up Video. Because that's been the quest of my entire life and now I can die. So bye.
No because he was this funny dirty funny guy and so we're exchanging business cards and his name is Tad Low and his business cards come in pink and green and I took a pink one.
And then I gave him my card and he looks at it and then he looks at "Stadtmiller" and then he says, "Look, it's my name. 'Tad.'
I will be performing something I've never done before and I'm excited about it and do you know what happens when people get excited about things? Magic!
Plus two of my hot friends are going to be there. They're so hot.
The cult-favorite live comedy series The Rejection Show and Mortified join forces for an evening of their best breakup, heartbreak and love related performances from shows past blending into and evening of love song karaoke, live music, DJ, drinks and partying. If you're single, feeling alone, rejected, don't have a date or don't like traditional Valentine's Day routines then The Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater is the place to be on Valentine's Day '07! Don't feel left out happy couples. All are welcome to party and see some hilariously heartbreaking performances.
"Find someone to french!"
Featuring HEARTBREAKING performances from:
Jon Friedman Gabe & Jenny Adam Wade Sara Schaefer Katina Corrao Adrianne Frost Matt Goldich Todd Levin Rachel Kramer Bussel Mike Albo Mandy Stadtmiller Giulia Rozzi Brandy Barber Sara Jo Allocco Victoria Scroggins A Cartoon from Odd Todd AND MORE SPECIAL GUESTS!
LIVE MUSIC FROM: THE DEFIBULATORS LEIBYA ROGERS STUCKEY AND MURRAY CHUCK & JAWNEE
Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater 307 West 26th Street Between 8th and 9th Avenue
