Mandy Stadtmiller Dot Com

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Gene Weingarten rules

so he asked a bunch of different women to respond to Christopher Hitchens' recent essay. You know. The one in Vanity Fair called "Why Women Aren't Funny and My Penis is So Small."

Right. So Gene collected all the responses and then used them in the humor column he writes for The Washington Post, which comes out tomorrow. I was delighted to contribute and be included along with several women I admire, especially the masterful Tamara Jones. Not only is she one of the best features writers I've ever read but 10 years ago she gave me the best piece of reporting advice I've ever heard. When you think that you are done with an interview, always ask one more question: "Is there anything else?"

My favorite part about Gene's piece is how right away he addresses the most incredible aspect of Hitchens' entire essay.

Which is the fact. That what Hitchens wrote. Is so unfucking funny.

Painfully so.

Like turn away you can't look bad witty witticism wordplay overwritten bon mot aching erudite reference trying so hard super super terrible amazing.

Which, I guess, to be fair.

Was pretty hilarious.

Off-off-Broadway

Thursday, December 28, 2006

My MySpace messages keep getting better and better

Him: hey sexy how thing's going with u? every thing going good on my behalf. By the way u looking sexy by any chance is it possible that me and u could do lunch if so i would like that verry much. P.S. dont worry baby u have absolutelly nothing 2 worry about cause im a good man.

Me: Thanks for your message. Thing is going fine. I am thrilled to hear thing is going good on your behalf. Lunch makes me die a little inside so I'm afraid this will not be possible. Good luck with your journey. I have every confidence you will prevail.

Him: ok....but if u ever change ur mind im here baby

My new look for 2003

The classic three-word courtship

Sex (East Village)
Reply to: pers-254702657@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-28, 8:04PM EST

Pic?

then sex?

The saddest hipster in all the land

The classic 111-word courtship

Very sensual and respectful man wants to cuddle kiss
and fuck your ass (East Village)
Reply to: pers-254706782@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-28, 8:15PM EST

I am looking for a sweet lady to get to know. I am a very down to earth guy who likes long walks, nice fireside chats and fucking your ass. I am educated with a great sense of humor. I'm good with children and want to stick my cock in your ass.

I was born and raised in New York so I am a real city boy, but I yearn for some wide open spaces so I can fuck you in the ass. I am just as comfortable getting dressed up for a night on the town as I am with a bowl of popcorn, cuddled up on the couch, watching a good movie and fucking you in the ass.

Okay

75 things we loved about 2006

1. Long Island Lolitas

The 19-year-old messing around with Christie Brinkley's husband. The baseball Annie looking for love with Paul Lo Duca. Samantha Cole insisting she was once 19, too. Remember when Winger was big? Yeah, it was like that.

2. Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt brings sexy back

The only hot thing not produced by Timbaland this year.

3. We prefer "Aspartame-rack"

Forget the insane anti-Semitism ("Apocalypto" viewers did!) and revel instead in "Sugart*#s!" - Mel Gibson's delicious ode to the female form. Sorry. It's the seven limoncellos talking.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Oversight

Dorothy Parker must have been on MySpace

"Bohemia"

Authors and actors and artists and such
Never know nothing, and never know much.
Sculptors and singers and those of their kidney
Tell their affairs from Seattle to Sydney.
Playwrights and poets and such horses' necks
Start off from anywhere, end up at sex.
Diarists, critics, and similar roe
Never say nothing, and never say no.
People Who Do Things exceed my endurance;
God, for a man who solicits insurance!

1927

You'll find it here

And Ogden Nash must have been on Nerve

"So That's Who I Remind Me Of"

When I consider men of golden talents,
I'm delighted, in my introverted way,
To discover, as I'm drawing up the balance,
How much we have in common, I and they.

Like Burns, I have a weakness for the bottle;
Like Shakespeare, little Latin and less Greek;
I bite my fingernails like Aristotle;
Like Thackeray, I have a snobbish streak.

I'm afflicted with the vanity of Byron;
I've inherited the spitefulness of Pope;
Like Petrarch, I'm a sucker for a siren;
Like Milton, I've a tendency to mope.

My spelling is suggestive of a Chaucer;
Like Johnson, well, I do not wish to die
(I also drink my coffee from the saucer);
And if Goldsmith was a parrot, so am I.

Like Villon, I have debits by the carload;
Like Swinburne, I'm afraid I need a nurse;
By my dicing is Christopher out-Marlowed,
And I dream as much as Coleridge, only worse.

In comparison with men of golden talents,
I am all a man of talent ought to be;
I resemble every genius in his vice, however henious....
Yet I write so much like me.

1942

Blanket

Friday, December 22, 2006

Hey, thanks

to the dozens of people who've emailed me, messaged me and invited me to their birthday parties as a result of the MySpace article. Really nice notes, and each one has made my day.

And, of course, thanks for the inordinate number of new friend requests. As Gawker wrote yesterday, I'm just a girl who can't say no.

I'm off to San Diego for the holidays. Stay spectacular.

Poodle on a beach

Thursday, December 21, 2006

My new favorite phrase: "I could suck on her like a mint"

And my blind dad is really going to like the blind poem. Seriously.

I know this is weird, but I read your article in the Post today about My Space and loved it. I have a really suckass (one word?) job and one of my favorite things to do is to look up really lame musicians like Justin Timberlake and then look at the profiles of the girls that send messages to them. It is creepy yet fascinating.

I first found your site when I found a link about the cat in the sweatshirt (sweater?) and have to say it was one of the funniest things I ever read, I don't know why. Well, partly because it reminds me of this woman I work with who, I swear to God, said to a customer on the phone once "I love my dog Button so much I could suck on her like a mint." Apropos of nothing. She is exactly the person he thought he was emailing.

Anyway, I am just a completely random person bored at work reading your blog occasionally and I don't know you, yet all the same I am proud of you. The other thing I do at work is write bad poetry:

Blind Date

So here I sit across from my blind date and he can't see me because, you know, he's blind

Which is fine

For some reason I feel the need to make sure he knows how cute I am because, you know, I am

Which is fine

So, I am saying things like "Oh, that guy at the bar keeps staring at me" and "I have exceptionally nice legs, it's genetic" Which, you know, is true

Which is fine.

He doesn't say anything at all, he doesn't seem impressed. He doesn't even say anything about the cute dress I am wearing which is actually, you know, adorable

Which is not fine.

Blind people are shallow

***

Happy Holidays,
K

Me and Jay

"Aren't you scared?" the first stranger who I meet off of MySpace asks me.

"That I'll be murdered?" I finish.

"Yes," he says, then takes a moment to survey my 6-foot-2-nonpixellated-live-in-person-outside-the-tiny-user-screen frame.

"Don't worry," he assures me. "You are too tall to murder. It would take many men."

Wow. Now that's what I call the magic of MySpace.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Indignation

2006: A chat odyssey, the sequel

user Mandy_Stadtmiller has entered room.
analyst Midhun has entered room.
Midhun: Hello Mandy_Stadtmiller. My name is Midhun.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: HELLO IS ASHITH THERE?
Midhun: Thank you for contacting Symantec Live Technical Support. Please make a note of the Chat Request Id 112348 for future reference.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: WHERE IS ASHITH?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: does ashith ever talk about me?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: ashith and i had that thing -- that intangible thing that sometimes happens when two people just 'click.'
Mandy_Stadtmiller: but let's work through this together, midhun.
Midhun: I understand your concern. Please be on hold for 2-3 minutes while I retrieve the details of your previous interaction.
Midhun: OK. May I know the exact method you had followed to uninstall the Norton program?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it was exciting!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: first we downloaded the nroton removal tool but i had renamed a bunch of files so that didn't work.
Midhun: Sure.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: sure, right.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: you're down.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: so then we did open, run, ran regedit
Mandy_Stadtmiller: and we just fucking kicked that shit to the curb!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: we looked up the folders we didn't want and me and ashith were like 'bye! see ya! don't need you any longer!'
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i've never felt more powerful as a woman
Mandy_Stadtmiller: but here's the thing, midhun.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: can i be honest?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: ok
Mandy_Stadtmiller: here's the thing
Mandy_Stadtmiller: so then ashith asks me to open the c folder and it gets all stuck, won't open
Mandy_Stadtmiller: so i restart and that's when i met you
Mandy_Stadtmiller: oh -- but before i met you i deleted what i believe were the two remaining symantec folders in my program files.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: and that's where i'm at.
Midhun: Did you use Norton removel tool to uninstall the program?
Midhun: Removal. Not removel.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: you know what? i like removel it's more street.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it makes you more human.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: more fallible.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: like adam, eve, and the apple.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: no -- that shit got stuck.
Midhun: Fine.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: so we had to open run, then do regedit
Mandy_Stadtmiller: and then delete that shit manually
Midhun: Now, let's try the Removal Tool?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: so we deleted a bunch of -- ah -- good idea -- ok let me open
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it's processing msi's by product code
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it might get stuck again
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it got stuck last time
Mandy_Stadtmiller: about 75 percent of the way through
Midhun: Mandy, we will do the registry editing later. First let's run the Norton Removal too. Okay?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: ashith could tell you all about that.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it's running, midhun. oh it's running all right.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: let me see where it's at! i'm curious like a cat!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: I DON"T BELIEVE IT MIDHUN!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i'm so over ashith.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: you are it for me now -- it worked!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it worked!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it worked!
Midhun: Great!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: yeah yeah yeah!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: do you like the yeah yeah yeahs? i think they're overrated
Mandy_Stadtmiller: okay midhun, well before i restart this computer
Midhun: ;)
Mandy_Stadtmiller: let me ask you
Mandy_Stadtmiller: yes ;)!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: ok
Mandy_Stadtmiller: before i restart
Mandy_Stadtmiller: tell me what the fuck i need to do so that i can get liveupdate to work on this motherfucker
Mandy_Stadtmiller: in what i like to call The Next Chapter of my life
Mandy_Stadtmiller: My New Beginning
Mandy_Stadtmiller: My Twilight Years
Mandy_Stadtmiller: The Better Half
Mandy_Stadtmiller: My Better Half
Mandy_Stadtmiller: how should homey play this?
Midhun: Yes.
Midhun: Please install the older version first.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: don't know what you mean
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i think they are both 2007, right?
Midhun: Yes, this is a bundled version, one program, which contain both Norton System works basic and Internet Security
Midhun: So you can download and install the program from the link provided below.
Midhun: www.symantecstore.com/orderlookup
Midhun: You can download the program and install it on your system.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: right
Mandy_Stadtmiller: but that's what i did before.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: and, midhun.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: the shit didn't work.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: the live update kept saying 'connecting' and then it stalled and then i started to get crazy and renaming files 'j'
Midhun: Did you complete the registry editing last time?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: you mean deleting all the bad things?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: no!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: so perhaps this really is the dawn of a new day
Midhun: Now, let's do the steps. Okay?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: you and ashith should get drinks.
Midhun: Before doing the registry editing, I suggest you to run the symNRT once again.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: oh
Mandy_Stadtmiller: hm
Midhun: SymNRT is a removal tool from Symantec which removes all the symantec product and the remnants from your computer.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: but i have to restart and then --oh what?
Midhun: Please follow the web link given below to run symNRT: http://service1.symantec.com/Support/sharedtech.nsf/docid/2006031710323113
Midhun: No, we will do it with out restarting.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: please don't hold all this against me -- ok?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i really have quite an impressive life.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: you would be impressed.
Midhun: Fine.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: like if you saw me, you'd be like, wow.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: 'now that's a girl who has her life together.'
Midhun: Yes.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: ok, let's do this thing!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: if we were in a buddy cop movie i would say 'i'm getting too old for this shit!'
Mandy_Stadtmiller: ok running the nrt
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it says another instance of nrt is running
Midhun: I understand your concern, let's go over the issue and see how we can best resolve it.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: should i open run again?
Midhun: Now, please right click on your task bar and select task manager.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: or c://
Mandy_Stadtmiller: no prob, midhun.
Midhun: Great!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i'm with you, babes
Midhun: Now, please click on start>>Run.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: ok i'm opening it right now
Mandy_Stadtmiller: yes
Mandy_Stadtmiller: run
Midhun: In the dialog box, please type regedit.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: and do regedit, right?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: did i just read your mind?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: or blow it?
Midhun: That's fine.
Midhun: And click ok.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: ok then what?
Midhun: In order to modify values in the Registry we need to use a program called a Registry Editor. Windows comes with a program called regedit.exe or otherwise known as Registry Editor. To launch this program, please follow the below steps:
1. Click on Start and select Run.
2. Type regedit in the dialog box and click OK.
3. Then the Registry editor will open.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it's open, yo.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i got a 5 on the calculus ap, midhun.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i got a 4 on the english ap.
Midhun: Let me know once this finished.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: ironic, because i'm a writer now and do nothing involved with math.
Midhun: Fine.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it is finished.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: 'done and done.'
Midhun: Navigate to and select the following key:
HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Symantec
Midhun: Press the Delete key on your keyboard and click Yes to confirm.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: yeah i already deleted that with ashith, midhun
Mandy_Stadtmiller: aint there no more, cookie
Mandy_Stadtmiller: already gone!
Midhun: Okay.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: what next?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: your wish is my command
Midhun: Then nothing else we can done before you restart.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: your command is my regedit
Mandy_Stadtmiller: nothing?? then you are my personal hero.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: will you promise to keep it real
Mandy_Stadtmiller: and give ashith my best?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: promises?
Midhun: Yes.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: our work here is done.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: out, my brother.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i love you.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: goodbye.
Midhun: My pleasure.
Midhun: Thank you for contacting Symantec Live Technical Support. It was a pleasure assisting you.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: It was a pleasure being assisted!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: Good night. Know that I will always think of you. Goodbye.
Midhun: Bye have a nice time.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Here's a tip

If you're going to go to a lot of holiday parties this year, I recommend going to a Donald Trump fete, drinking only the finest champagne, meeting your new gay best friend, going to a Carolines party, drinking 18 vodka sodas, texting an old flame to find out the size of his penis before he leaves for Geneva, losing your wallet somewhere between the McDonald's in Times Square and the very angry cab driver in Brooklyn, and arriving home to find a large package that is the Bible your uncle ordered you during that one lousy weekend when you called him and declared Jesus Christ to be your personal lord and savior.

I also recommend the McFlurry.

In the spirit of excess, here's a pretty great clip I watched before interviewing Artie Lange a while back. Makes me miss seeing Norm MacDonald on a more regular basis.

AND HOLY PERSONAL LORD AND SAVIOR...have you seen this?

Sunday, December 17, 2006

I just got alerted to a new comment on YouTube

re: the Andy Dick/Howard Stern clip.

The comment: "Chick at the end - big forehead but still bangable"

Fantastic.

I'd like to take a moment to quote "I Love My Body," a new book of affirmations I'm self-publishing for my youth group.

My bangable body is a glorious place to live. I rejoice that I have chosen this particularly bangable body because it is perfect for me in this lifetime. It is the perfect size and shape and color and degree of bangability. It serves me so well. I choose the healing thoughts that create and maintain my bangable body and make me feel good. I marvel at the miracle that is my bangable body!

Friday, December 15, 2006

The joke Dubya never heard

COMIC Stephen Colbert drew an icy response from the press corps at the White House Correspondents' Association gala in April, but it could have been worse, reports The Post's Mandy Stadtmiller. At an Academy of Television Arts & Sciences panel the other night, Colbert told moderator Stone Phillips he cut out one of his George Bush-bashing jokes at the last minute. "The president is always giving out medals to other people," Colbert explained. So he planned to joke at the D.C. event, " 'Nobody ever gives him awards, and that is wrong. So tonight,' and we had this printed up, 'I am here to present to the president the highest award that Stephen Colbert can present to the president . . . It's called a Certificate of Presidency.' It was a little sheet of paper that said, 'I, Stephen Colbert, hereby recognize George W. Bush is president of the United States.' " Reflected Colbert, "At that point in the speech, 'cause it was right about the middle, I looked over and I went, I'm not going to do that." Where is the "certificate" now? Colbert keeps it framed on his wall as a personal "woulda, shoulda, coulda" memento.

...If you've never seen it, revel in personal shame for a while, and then watch:

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

2006: A chat odyssey

user Mandy_Stadtmiller has entered room.
analyst Ashith has entered room.
Ashith: Hello Mandy_Stadtmiller. My name is Ashith.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: hello is anyone hthere?
Ashith: Hi
Mandy_Stadtmiller: hi. i've screwed up installation of my products.
Ashith: Reference number for this chat session will be:112283
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i got really frustrated b/c i paid for the download of both norton system works and norton internet security
Mandy_Stadtmiller: but then live update kept not working
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i've wasted hours installig and then reinstalling
Mandy_Stadtmiller: and then i tried to delete norton and it got stuck and so i manually tried to delete the files
Mandy_Stadtmiller: so now i have a bunch of crap files
Mandy_Stadtmiller: are you going to help me delete the old files and get the write protection off them? this is where i fucked up
Ashith: Please go to add\remove programs and provide me the list of Norton there
Mandy_Stadtmiller: all i wanted to do was updating my fuckinganti virus. it should have taken 2 seconds
Mandy_Stadtmiller: Norton SystemWorks setup has encountered a problem and needs to close. We are sorry for the inconvenience.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: that's the message
Mandy_Stadtmiller: REALLY HELPFUL RIGHT?
Ashith: Yes, are you able to see any Norton in add\remove programs?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: all right yeah
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it won't let me delete the norton system works in add/remove
Mandy_Stadtmiller: let me try again -- ok i just deleted the fucking add on pack
Ashith: Okay
Mandy_Stadtmiller: pls help me manually remove all the old files PLEASE
Mandy_Stadtmiller: PLEASE
Mandy_Stadtmiller: PLEASE
Mandy_Stadtmiller: PLEASE
Mandy_Stadtmiller: thank
Mandy_Stadtmiller: s
Ashith: In this case please download and run removal tool from the link below for complete removal:
Ashith: http://service1.symantec.com/Support/sharedtech.nsf/docid/2006031710323113
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it's removing i think!!!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i love you
Ashith: The tool will remove all the Norton files from your computer
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i love you
Ashith: Yes.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: wait -- wait -- getting stuck on the processing msi's
Mandy_Stadtmiller: twirling magnifying glass
Mandy_Stadtmiller: twirling
Mandy_Stadtmiller: come on, removal tool, you can do it!!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: hello? analyst ashith?
Ashith: Yes, it is removing , Right?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: removing registry values
Ashith: Okay
Mandy_Stadtmiller: slow
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i fear the removal tool may be fucked
Mandy_Stadtmiller: this is consternating, ashith
Ashith: Is it not removing?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it's not providing the happy ending i'm looking for.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it is not finishing.
Ashith: Okay We can wait and check
Mandy_Stadtmiller: fiddlesticks
Mandy_Stadtmiller: yeah -- it shoudl defly be done by now
Mandy_Stadtmiller: so it's probably mostly removed but not completely -- it's b/c i renamed a bunch of files like a twatwaffle
Mandy_Stadtmiller: sorry about that
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i mean i didn't rename the files 'twatwaffle'
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i renamed them j
Mandy_Stadtmiller: j.txt
Ashith: Please select run from Windows start
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i once had a teacher tell me i was exceptionally gifted at computers
Mandy_Stadtmiller: what do you think about that ashith?
Ashith: Type:
Ashith: regedit
Ashith: click ok
Mandy_Stadtmiller: am looking at a folder
Mandy_Stadtmiller: Select HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Symantec
Mandy_Stadtmiller: don't exist, buddy
Ashith: Are you sure?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: let me check
Mandy_Stadtmiller: you know me better than my own father, ashith!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it is there!
Ashith: Delete Symantec folder
Mandy_Stadtmiller: no problemo
Ashith: Is it removed?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i kicked that folder's ass to the curb!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it is gone from my life forever!
Ashith: Select HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Symantec
Mandy_Stadtmiller: can i show that file the door too?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: delete?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: you say the word ashith!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: just say it
Ashith: Delete that Symantec folder too
Mandy_Stadtmiller: yes! done
Mandy_Stadtmiller: am i sure i want to delete this key and all of its subkeys?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i've never been so sure of anything in my whole life!
Ashith: After that close registry window
Mandy_Stadtmiller: done and did!
Ashith: Open C drive from My computer
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i need a drink
Ashith: Open program files
C\program files
Mandy_Stadtmiller: 'my computer' isn't opening
Mandy_Stadtmiller: this makes me weep a little bit
Mandy_Stadtmiller: what do you think, ashith?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: give it to me straight. i can handle it.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: wait, no.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: WE can handle it
Ashith: Is C drive opened?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: "my computer" isn't opening
Mandy_Stadtmiller: no, won't open
Mandy_Stadtmiller: poop
Ashith: Then you need to restart your computer and then delete Symantec folder inside C\program files
Mandy_Stadtmiller: can i restart the computer and you will be there in chat once i return to computer once restarted?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i will come back for you
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i will never forget you, ashith
Mandy_Stadtmiller: will you think of me while i'm gone?
Ashith: No:-)
Mandy_Stadtmiller: oh ashith.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i love the way we joke
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it's so 'us.'

Housekeeping

1) I'm hiring a friend who is one of my favorite people in the entire universe to transfer over the old posts/pics from Bloggy McBlogalot. She'll be tackling this sexy job in about a week, so fret not. The new site shall be fully integrated soon enough. Lester's also getting to work on the archives functionality.

2) I really feel my posts are becoming more exciting than ever. Don't you think?

3) I'm not going to stop posting pictures. I'm just mid-transition between computers so trying to get my new Mac fully up to speed. Meanwhile, if anyone has a hammer to help with installation of Norton 2007 on my old PC, please let me know.

4) If you are a friend and checked out the links page and wonder why I didn't list you, send me a nice reminder. Please include the words "saddened and outraged" to make it less awkward.

5) Kill Whitey. Thanks

Monday, December 11, 2006

R.I.P.

I started Bloggy McBlogalot in 2004 because if I didn't start writing for myself again I feared I was going to lose my shit. Also because I was told during one particularly terrible fight: "You're not smart. You're not a good writer. And you're not funny."

I'll miss being in a 10-year relationship with Christopher Hitchens. I really will.

So when I started this I was embarrassed because here I was, someone with real writing credits who had left newspapers to take jobs in PR and fundraising, and now I was doing something on par with every 12-year-old in America with access to Photoshopped pictures of their cat.

Hence, Bloggy McBlogalot.

Irealizehowretardedthisis McYoucantdestroymeanymorethanIcanabunch.

I remember thinking up the name when I was at a Mason Jennings concert during my fourth wedding anniversary in Madison, Wisconsin. "I have an idea," I whispered. I was told it didn't quite work. The next day I wrote my first entry.

Along the way I rediscovered my voice as a writer, began doing comedy regularly, got divorced, saw my parents get remarried, saw my sister have a baby, lived with my friend Luke who absolutely saved my life, moved to Brooklyn, returned to newspapers after a long hiatus, won the title of Funniest Reporter in New York and became a dickhead megalomaniac. Trix. I'm still as self-loathing as I ever was. I like to say the new site doesn't have the tagline "Self-hating misogynist cunt with a flair for words" because it just doesn't have enough pop to it!

Which leads me to the point of all this. I have a new Web site, which was designed by my friend Lester Nelson who is crazy awesome and who I'm forever indebted to in more ways than one and who I laughed and cried with this weekend when suddenly a wave of existential depression hit me like a ton of bricks and my very practical solution to get out of it was to watch all six parts of the "Angels in America" series. Thanks, Lester. You rule. I'd also like to thank AIDS.

The new site is a work in progress because there are still some kinks in the design and I also have to transfer over manually about 700 archived posts, which I'm going to do because I'm proud of most things I've written on this site (even when it's painful to read all the happy-tits stuff I was writing when I was mired pretty deeply in grief and despair) but yeah, all in good time.

For now, I ask you, dear reader, to update your link (if you link to me, and thanks if you do) to Mandy Stadtmiller Dot Com. Thanks especially to everyone who's ever sent me an email, offered me a job or joined me in filing for divorce.

I couldn't have done it without you.

xx

Sunday, December 10, 2006

You down with D.U.C.? Yeah you know me!

Thanks to Giles Hendrix of the perpetually amazing gesture.org for Web support in uploading this clip from Sirius for me.

Also, I would like to repeat, for the record.

I am not dried up.

Thursday, December 7, 2006

Chicago

In flipping through some notes today

I came across the following line.

"Have you ever seen a couple so in love you just wanted to slice them?"

Wow.

It's so nice to know—if the situation calls for it—I can still write a pretty mean wedding toast.

Wednesday, December 6, 2006

No poodle, no cry

Become instantly fabulous

with Kelly Cutrone, owner of People's Revolution, as she details all the wonderful things that money—or the right third-world guru dressed in simple cotton clothing—can buy.

Tuesday, December 5, 2006

Son, don't flatter yourself

And that's how it goes on MySpace

Him: Send me an IM on MySpaceIM you can get it here www.myspace.com/myspaceim

Me: No.

Him: WOW. THAT'S FUNNY....WELL THE IM INVITES ARE SENT OUT AUTOMATICALLY SO IT WAS'NT MENT SPECIFICALLY FOR YOU.....SON DON'T FLATTER YOUR SELF

Monday, December 4, 2006

Bad as I wanna be

Sometimes

when I'm writing in my little notebook on the train, strangers try to make conversation with me.

"Is that your journal?" they ask.

"No," I say, glaring. "It's a learnal."

Sunday, December 3, 2006

Spell was there

I was having a shitty day

and then I walked 9.46 miles from downtown Brooklyn to Rockefeller Center. Then I listened to the "Pale Blue Eyes," "Jesus," "Beginning to See the Light" sequence on that third Velvet Underground record. Then I taped my fortune from the Buddhist temple on my door.

In the words of Michael Palin, "The train is heading for the Belfort Gap, my head is buzzing with an evening's champagne, and so far circumnavigation is a doddle."

The new Web site will be up next week. Lester works hard. Give the dude a break.

Thanks. Congratulations.

Friday, December 1, 2006

Raw and uncensored swimming lanes

Tune in this Saturday for my first date with my future husband live on XM radio

That's right.

I will be doing another guest appearance on Lazlow's radio show fulfilling every young girl's dream of having a live phone date with "Pool Boy" at 11 p.m. this Saturday, December 2.

Opie and Anthony are presenting the show from 9 pm to midnight on XM Satellite Radio's XM 202.

My parents have really high hopes for this one. Thanks. Congratulations.

Dream fixture

The much-buzzed about new "Dreamgirls" movie is overflowing with stars—Beyoncé! Eddie Murphy! Jamie Foxx!—

but the biggest one is a name you've likely long forgotten.

Remember that one weird "American Idol" season a few years back where people started talking about issues of racism and the curvy girl with the amazing set of pipes got booted from the show early on?

Yeah, well, she just made Beyoncé look like a pretty extra.