Be sure to check out their book signing tonight at 7 p.m. at Barnes & Noble Astor Place. A lot of the contributors will be there in person.
Awesome. Bye. See you next week, when because of my retarded productivity this will be actually be my brand spanking new all prettied-up Web site (sans kittens) which Lester and I have been working on all week.
Oh, and if I do end up doing this radio show I'll post on Friday. Yeah. Bye. K.I.T.
This is the most retardedly productive writing weekend I've had in a long time
So I'm taking this whole week off to continue the chain of productivity. Also I think it's finally time I come up with a really killer "Brokeback Mountain" joke.
My colleague Danica Lo talks a bit about a "Spring Cleaning" story we did for The Post testing out different holiday detoxes. I did meditation. She did fasting. You can read about it here. Also check out the rest of her blog done to coordinate with her excellent book "How Not To Look Fat."
RAY Romano had a good time in Las Vegas at HBO's "Comic Relief" last weekend. But his wife, Anna, had even more fun, he told The Post's Mandy Stadtmiller in the green room at Caesars Palace. "She's getting free stuff and she's seeing the 'Desperate Housewives' men and the 'Entourage' men," Romano said after his performance to benefit Katrina victims. "She's seeing all these sexy men and then later she'll go back to the room with me. So if she's not too drunk, it may be a day that I circle in my calendar. You figure it out!"
I already posted that clip of the young comedian being destroyed courtesy of Jamie Foxx a while back. But since I can't show you Jeffrey Ross murdering at the HBO Comedy Festival in Vegas this weekend, here he is ripping shit up at that same roast of Emmitt Smith. Remember, he's the only white comedian on the bill.
3) To give you an idea of the glory, the heartache and the ridiculous sex (yes, there's an S&M story involving Jay Leno), here are a few highlights of the book's most unforgettable tales.
4) Dear Andy Dick, My life now has two categories: Before I Saw This Picture—and After. Everything was so much easier before. I was able to sleep. I was able to eat without the tube. I was able to sit upright. But what's done is done, so let's focus on the future. Stay rehabilitated. That's good. Don't bite any more reporters. That's good, too. And please, please, whatever you do...don't forget to wear a training bra.
Maybe there is hope for this great nation after all.
No matter who won the House or the Senate, all is right with the world. For Britney Spears has finally filed for divorce from Kevin Federline.
If you're quiet, you can almost hear warring factions in the red states and the blue states and the super fabulous pink states. They're saying, "You go, girl!" or "You didn't look that bad on 'Letterman' last night!" or "You've finally left that untalented guy with all the sperm!"
...the greatest and most elaborate practical joke ever played and the resulting masterpiece has been hailed by the likes of Robin Williams, David Cross, Matt Stone, Johnny Knoxville, Andy Dick and Eminem as "hysterical," "beyond genius" and "...funnier than anything you will ever see in your lifetime." "Windy City Heat," a full-length original reality film, is the climax of a decade-long practical joke played on its "star," Perry Caravello.
Me: What do you genuinely think of Perry Caravello?
Kimmel: The one thing I can say seriously about him is he has an unbelievable amount of charisma. They did something with Johnny Knoxville on Adam Carolla's radio show the other day and Johnny Knoxville was nervous meeting him because he'd watched the movie so many times and, you know, all these people are fans of the movie. It's amazing to see people who are big stars intimidated by a guy who drives a truck for his parents' print shop. You know, this is a guy who lives in a small apartment in Reseda here in LA and he really is a star. His goal was to become a star, and, you know, we pulled a lot of little practical jokes along the way but the truth of the matter is, he got his wish.
Me: Do you ever think he's playing you?
Kimmel: (laughs) No. (laughs) No. As a matter of fact, I just got an email that he's furious about me putting his phone in the glass of water. He brought his phone. His phone started ringing in the middle of the segment, which is ridiculous that you would have your phone on, and I took it and I just dropped it in his water glass. And he's very angry right now.
I just wanted to let you know that you've achieved cult hero status among a small but ever-growing group of gay men in a crappy little city in missouri (your primary goal in life, i'm quite sure!!!). it's the cat in a t-shirt dammit. my friend tom originally reposted your story after he'd sent the pic to an overly persistent weirdo that was irritating him online and i saw it there and have since reposted it on my myspace blog as well to spread the word. it was the greatest story i've ever heard.....and when i say that i mean better than titanic, or steel magnolias, or anything....ever!!!
let me tell you why.....here in redneckville the options for gay men to possibly meet someone decent are very limited, so we often find ourselves unfortunately and somewhat pathetically looking for love online..... delusional in the nearly impossible chance that you might meet someone you could ultimately bring home to mom, sharing a gay chat room with guys with screen names like...buttslutonall4s or pissonme69. a ridiculous and tragic story, really, you can only imagine some of the words i've seen come across a chat window, learning of fetishes i never knew existed, all the while becoming more jaded and hopeless at the possibility of ever meeting mr. mediocre....but now....thanks to you, we finally have vindication!! They get the photo of the cat in a t-shirt emailed to them....That's right!!!
What's your email address mr.creepygeezer1904? Cuz I've got a hot pic that I'd love to send you.....and then laughing hysterically, the ultra-giddy kind of laugh where you throw your head back, gleefully shining eyes welling up with tears, and you want to kick your feet, but living in an upstairs apartment you decide against it......eagerly awaiting the confused and hesitant response, then basking in a cozy, warm feeling i can only describe as smug satisfaction.....to make a short story long, thank you, THANK YOU Mandy Stadtmiller!!!
"Next to sex, stand-up comedy is the best thing going," says Denis Leary,
relaxing in Katz's Deli one week before the third annual New York Comedy Festival. "It's completely kinetic, it's like rock 'n' roll, you can't describe it."
One of more than 100 comedians performing at the A-list festival, Leary is joined by stars such as Dane Cook, who performs two shows in one night at Madison Square Garden, and Artie Lange, who sold out his Carnegie Hall gig in just three hours. Kicking off on Tuesday with a roast of chef Mario Batali to benefit the Food Bank, the festival takes place across the city at locations including Carolines on Broadway and Town Hall. For the complete schedule, go to nycomedyfestival.com.
hi cute im marawan From Egypt 27 years im accountant im bank love to read - and write stories i wish to study to be director i have some fun with my friends and see movies and travel and lesten to music i see ur profill and ur pices it is very lovelly i think that u smill like angels ur face is cute slow romantic semphony ur bady like hot fire u look smart - grwon and wonderfull too u make me laughing ur so cute ... really u r that is not complemont that is the only thruth do u really search for surious relationships i ask u couse i search for that thanks again marawan
...For fuck's sake he's an accountant and a bank!
Just in case things with Marawan don't work out, you'll be glad to know that New York magazine is doing what it can to help me score. With social commentary.
There are so, so many amazing things about this "blow off" email a friend of mine just received.
But first let me provide a little background to prepare you for the glory that is "Explanations and Apologies."
1) Upfront, it is important to note that my friend went out on just two dates with this guy, who we shall herein refer to as The Reason The Word Douchebag Was Invented. To understand their all-too-brief relationship, one only need know how it came to such an early demise. That would be when he—after not showing up for the third date—attempted a booty call after getting shitfaced at a strip club with friends.
2) During their two halfway decent dates, there were definitely warning signs. When she and TRTWDWI briefly made out one time, he very bizarrely and energetically transitioned into baby talk, where he would say things like, "Are you going to push me up against a wall now?"
"No," she recounted. "There are Web sites for that."
3) Of particular note in the email is TRTWDWI's attempt to exorcise his Catholic demons in a compelling little narrative about strip clubs which I believe you will find "phony and frustrating while simultaneously exceedingly hot, sexy and tantalizing."
4) Perhaps most poignant, however, is the moment where TRTWDWI describes my friend as having "that great quirkiness which is so appealing."
I'd bet money TRTWDWI has said the same thing about Barenaked Ladies, the first season of "According to Jim" and Zima Hard Black Cherry.
5) At the time of the ill-fated booty call, my friend made it very clear to TRTWDWI that it was over and she was never going to speak to him again. But now two months later, he has decided to let her down easy.
It was because—are you ready?—he was cheating on her. Yes, during their two-date relationship TRTWDWI was cheating on her. But don't take it from me. Take it from his shitty faux intellectual writing style. Or rather, surmise it.
Please note: If I do ever get married again, my first vow is going to be lifted straight from this text.
"I guess it's partly fear of committing to the wrong person when someone fantastic could be right around the corner, the thrill of the initial few months of dating someone new that you really click with, and sexual desires."
I love awkward lists of three. And sexual desires.
I also dare you to find a better written sentence in the history of the English language than this one.
"It was for bachelor party reasons."
From: TRTWDWI Date: Nov 1, 2006 7:59 PM Subject: Explanations and Apologies
I've been thinking about you and I know you probably don't care at all anymore and are probably well involved with someone else or dating some guy named Todd, but due to a guilty conscience, a desire to make myself feel better, or whatever male psychology is motivating me (you probably know better than I) I feel compelled to write you.
I want to apologize and explain for that fateful Friday night.
I was at a strip club. NY Dolls. It was for bachelor party reasons and I don't frequent them. I am not going to say I don't like them, but I've only been to about 15 in my entire life and find them phony and frustrating while simultaneously exceedingly hot, sexy and tantalizing. I was with my friends who would not let me leave. All of us later did go up to Circus and hung out till around 2:30 totally trashed. It was fun, but I did manage to surmise through my drunkenness that it was a gay or lesbian bar (Ed note: It's not). I got water thrown on me by the bartender instigated by my friend Pat, who later got slapped hard in the face by a strange girl in leopard tights for no reason other than "it looked like he needed it." It was a fun popcorn-filled night though.
The reason I didn't call or email you again really has nothing to do with you. In fact, I really liked you a lot. I thought you were smart, funny and had that great quirkiness which is so appealing. I was also really attracted to you. I think if things went further we would probably now be having a great time together. It's a shame really.
Anyhow, now comes the part where I am a jerk. As your female intuition and intelligence was telling you, yes, there was another woman in my life. So rather than let things go any further and screw everything up for her and be totally unfair to you, I decided to try to do the right thing by not straying too far. I have cheated in the past and I always felt horribly guilty about it and I know it has been very hurtful to several wonderful women. Of course, it didn't stop me from doing it. But I just didn't want to feel that way again or be hurtful. It really is an awful betrayal, but such is the male libido or at least my libido. I guess it's partly fear of committing to the wrong person when someone fantastic could be right around the corner, the thrill of the initial few months of dating someone new that you really click with, and sexual desires.
Maybe I shouldn't have written and just let everything be, but, I hope all is well with you and that you can accept this email as heartfelt even if unnecessary, completely tardy, and in the vein of what the hell is this guy still writing me for.
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