Hannibal: I got booked for a tv show taping in holland.
Me: Great!!! ur the only black guy I've ever made out with
Me: Good callback
Hannibal: Have fun on the radio. Youre the only white girl i made out with....In april
Hannibal: I just fought an astronaut
Me: Was she white?
Hannibal: Afghani then i made out with her
Hannibal: Try to come to hot tub if you can on friday then i can be the second black guy
Hannibal: To perform there
Me: no really? Ha. I may be going 2 ucb but otherwise will try
Hannibal: Hogwash
Me: Alright ucb thing is sat can come fri. Ill bring a bunch of black people. Cool?
Hannibal: The only black people you know are me,nichelle, and that one journalist dude.
Me: Fuckoff kravitz of comedy. I KNOW LOTS OF BLACK PEOPLE. I know that guy from sputnik HAHAHA HAHA
Hannibal: And baron vaughn
Me: right. And baron. Good point. Thx!
***A very urgent message to all of my black friends (you know who you are, guys!!)
Please join me at Hot Tub this Friday night in proving that motherfucker Hannibal wrong. If you are kind of black, that's okay. Just try and be as black as possible when you arrive. Thanks. I really appreciate it.
Michael Showalter (Stella, Wet Hot American Summer, The State) will wash your blues away with a good scrubbing. michaelshowalter.net
Reggie Watts (Maktub, Soulive) will take you on a trip through outer space. reggiewatts.com
John Oliver (The Daily Show with Jon Stewart) will dress you up like a pony and take you to the prom.
Hannibal (From Chicago!) will help you make up your mind about what religion to choose. Hannibal on MySpace
Friday, 10 p.m. The Peoples Improv Theater 154 W. 29th Street, 2nd Fl (between 6th and 7th aves) New York, NY 10001 212-563-7488
She said I need to open my heart to love. Now I go around muttering this to anyone who will listen.
1) "How funny running into you here."
"Yeah." Long exhale. "I'm trying to open my heart to love."
2) "I'm actually kind of busy right now."
"Yeah." Long exhale. "I'm trying to open my heart to love."
3) "Please stop calling me."
"Yeah." Long exhale. "I'm trying to open my heart to love."
Text message later that night: ...trying 2 open myhrt 2 luv...wot u doin?
To further myself in this goal (and because I don't want to pay the psychic $500 for the specially fashioned candles she says are necessary...although I'm sure they're delicious) I've decided to start earnestly going on at least one date per month.
To that end, I joined Nerve tonight, because clearly that is the place you go to open your heart to love.
Unfortunately, the user handle trying2openmyheart2love was taken. As was cuddlemonster24, fucksalotofdoctors, asstastic4u, kittenkrazy_nyc and clooneyfan2003. So I registered as the next best thing.
Ucanttouchthis.
I describe my ideal afternoon as winking at strangers on Nerve, cutting myself to make sure I'm alive, and baseball with friends.
Thirty-four reasons to belatedly celebrate the birth of my older sister, or else
1) When my sister entered a beauty contest in high school, she made it to the final Q&A round.
The judges asked her what she enjoyed doing more than anything else.
In the audience, my family eagerly awaited her reply. I sat next to my mother who sat next to my father. He is blind, which he's always been since my sister and I have known him. We are not a politically correct family. To that end, instead of calling the greater blind populace "visually challenged," my family called them "blindfuckers."
On stage, Amie widened her eyes and blinked. She looked straight at us.
"What I find most rewarding," she said with a huge grin, "is spending time with my physically challenged father."
with some folks last night about interns and how I got an intern, well several really, but now I kind of only have one, except she left for college so I guess it's a little more complicated than that. And people always find this fascinating. Because they're thinking, "Wow. You're a dick." And then they're also thinking, "I want an intern, teach me how." Answer: Craigslist.
But then the conversation turned to other topics, and I was talking about movies and all the movies in my Netflix queue. I was telling Todd Levin how I really want to rent "Heaven Can Wait," but I'm also a little bit afraid because I think it will be a sensory memory overload.
When I was growing up this movie was basically my dad's religion for a while. He gave up on Catholicism, threw away his Purple Heart, rejected God and somehow this new-age Warren Beatty movie about reincarnation was what grounded him. I told Todd about how I'm hesistant to see it because I want to be able to fully concentrate on the movie, to have my moment with the movie and my feeling is that right now I'm not sure I have the time or energy to drink it all in.
To which Todd was silent for half a second, then replied.
"Maybe you can get your intern to watch it," he said. "Write up some coverage."
"So do you always write about comedy?" No. God, no. But then I went on to say that every article I write always teaches me a little somethin' somethin', and when I was writing about Tiger Woods last week, I found particularly riveting David Owen's description of Tiger Woods' state when he is in the zone in this profile in Men's Vogue. Tiger doesn't even remember the act of playing sometimes, that's how in the moment he is—it's as if he's actually willing the ball into the hole. Which is the same principle behind a lot of the best writing and comedy. It's what makes someone a Larry David, a Jerry Seinfeld, a Gallagher II.
Think about it. Belabored writing and performance often—not always, but very often—sucks.
1) I have this problem where I can't stop watching "Laguna Beach" even though I realize it is terrible for my soul.
2) I put my name in Google image search tonight and the second picture is the most graphic close-up of Sharon Stone's vagina I've ever seen in my life.
3) What if one day the Middle East crisis is solved because someone is able to definitively answer the question, "Who wore it better?"
4) Have you ever tried plugging your iPod into the homeless dude busking on the subway?
5) Why is the guy who's wearing the "Lies Start Wars" button always the same guy who's eating bread out of the package with half the plastic gnawed away?
6) Is it just me or do you kind of want to date rape the shit out of those American Apparel mannequins? I know what you're thinking: Why not the salesgirls? Here's the thing. I feel like they'd say yes, and I kind of want a challenge.
7) The next time you are despairing for the universe, try dropping a grape on a crowded C train. Trust me on this one.
8) Do you think very early in the day, people in Vietnam greet each other with, "Good morning Vietnam!"?
9) I always screw up the airkiss greeting. I'm not sure why but I think it's because I use too much tongue.
10) I guess when the person sitting next to you in the bathroom stall is weeping softly it's not the best time to say, "Stop disappointing me."
Reading Lindsayism tipped me off about Maura Johnston being one of the editors behind the new Idolator blog! That's pretty cool, and it looks great. I like music. Actually that reminds me of a project. I was having dinner with a high school friend who's getting married and she asked for suggestions for the best wedding deejay music of all time. If you have any songs you'd recommend as favorites or know of any good lists that exist, email them to me. When I am not drowning in my own lack of sleep, I'll post a full list. My lineup started strong with Nikka Costa, hit a few obvious choices like "Life is a Highway" and "Spirit in the Sky," and ended on George McCrae. I'm clever and knowledgeable! But yeah, email me your suggestions and then we'll enjoy an awkward silence for a while.
As I was walking home tonight I decided that I am going to start a casual twice-monthly show at this bar I like where I interview people and make witty comments that everyone laughs at and talks about for the rest of the evening with their pinkies raised. So that's going to be pretty cool.
I saw Jon Friedman doing The Parkside Lounge last Monday, and he had this whole bit about talking to his dad, who was like, "Bear with me!" and Jon said for some reason he suddenly pictured his dad as a bear. And boy, it was so simple and great and he did such a good bear-dad voice, and then had such a nice clean callback with,"I'm working on a TV pilot...called 'Bear With Me,'" and I think about that a lot and it makes me laugh.
Also I was at this party and this guy was talking about getting a reacharound from an octopus. That makes me laugh less, but you kind of have to respect the concept.
I think CC Insider might do one bonus update from the contest at Gotham. Check it out as you should be doing regularly anyway.
Mollygood has a pretty great Andy Dick disinfectant via Gallery of the Absurd.
Andrew Healan made me aware of the Shecky Magazine coverage of the New York's Funniest Reporter Contest. Brian McKim was the emcee of the contest. In addition to editing Shecky Magazine with wife Traci Skene, both are awesome standups. That's radness in a bottle is what it is.
Doing that Lazlow show was a blast and several folks have contacted me over MySpace that I haven't had a chance to write back to, but thanks. I love you too except when I hate you so that we can try to keep that elusive spark alive. If I get audio from the show, I'll link to it. Lazlow and Wayne are like puffy stickers that's how adorable and timeless they are. Thanks to Reed for asking me to do it.
There were a bunch of people who helped me out these last few weeks by either giving me emergency stage time or putting me in touch with people who could hook me up, so thanks some more. (And a special shoutout to Dan Curry for the meth slut tag. If I had a nickel for how many times I've said that today). But thanks, thanks and more thanks to:
Jessica Delfino, Nick Stevens, Joe Dixon, John O'Donnell, Claudia Cogan, Josh Filipowski, Pauly Confusion, Ryan McCormick, Sharon Simon, Richard Jones, Adam Strauss, Eric Andre, Peter Kassnove, Cassidy Henehan, Lara Yaz, Pat Stango, and Blaine Perry.
Opie and Anthony hosted a Lazlow Show reunion earlier this year – and now we're doing another. The moons have lined up, Wayne’s done building a house, Reed has agreed to take a break from reading comic books (alone in the dark) and we’re recovering from the O&A virus backstage kegger that saw me stepping on strippers half cocked and Wayne with 15 margaritas in him yelling for WOWs.
Just to be clear here: I've made no such agreement to take a break from reading comic books alone in the dark.
I'll be on from 10:30-11:15 p.m.
NY1, Gawker, Steve Lynch and Shakin' Dave did writeups or mentioned last night's show. Cool. For those who've asked me if this was in any way like winning the "smartest kid in special ed class" competish, I'll have you know those vying for the title included an opener for Lewis Black (who works as a reporter) and a college-touring Caroline's regular (who works as a reporter). So, yes, I do like shiny medals, and no, I didn't receive one. I'll post the video sometime this weekend.
Dusting off those dead hooker in a trunk jokes, Mandy Stadtmiller
I'm usually not down for Vice-style humor of people getting injured and whatnot
but holy mother of holy. Was watching Jimmy Kimmel tonight and he described it as one of the most amazing combinations of terror and pleasure he's ever seen.
On Friday, September 15, go to THE SLIPPER ROOM (167 Orchard Street in the L.E.S. of NYC) at 7pm. Because...
FUNNY SELLS! (working title):
A Night of Comedy and Funny Writing to Benefit Pindeldyboz, the finest in hand-held literature born in Astoria, Queens.
Featuring: -your host, the always pants-peeing funny SETH HERZOG -MICHAEL SHOWALTER (yeah, Michael Efffing Showalter) -SAM LIPSYTE (also hilarious and smart!) -MANDY STADTMILLER (comedian, blogger, writer and the woman who survived being licked by Andy Dick at the Shatner Roast and lived to tell about it) -AND MORE! Seriously, it can't get any better, but it will!
Your $10 donation at the door will allow us to bring you another awesome edition of stories that defy classification. Along with our undying gratitude, natch.
1) Last night I called Malice at 2 a.m. where he proceeded to help me through FTP issues to get a few videos transferred to mandystadtmiller.com (HI KITTENS!), and at one point when he was making sure the videos worked on his end, I said, "Yeah, see this performance? This one I'm projecting likeability and charisma, that's why it works so well." So please see his new blog title — it really is catchy! I also said at another point "triaging success," and then repeated it, and then said, "Man, I would have divorced me, too." UPDATE: He also said he was going to go into every bookstore, find all the copies of "Ego & Hubris: The Michael Malice Story," scratch out his name and write in Mandy Stadtmiller. That was pretty funny, too.
2) I contributed to the new Page Six magazine out on newstands today. Mackenzie Dawson, who has a hilarious story in today's Pulse section about "friend stalkers," did a bang-up job as the editor of the magazine, so pick up a copy if you get a chance.
3) WE HEAR... THAT tonight's New York's Funniest Reporter contest at Gotham Comedy Club - featuring The Post's Mandy Stadtmiller and Robert George and benefiting Operation Uplink (which pays for phone cards for our troops) - is getting heavyweight help from former Great White Hope Gerry Cooney.
My guest comedian blogging for Comedy Central got off to a titillating start today when my first post was removed near the end of the day because of an issue with YouTube rights.
So thanks for your comments and keep spreading that virtual community love tomorrow.
For now, you can satisfy yourself with the teaser on the home page and wonder why you can't see the massive forces that are causing my hair to be so carefree like that.
Hint: It's the Jews.
They're responsible for all the hairstyles in the world.
1) I'm guest comedian blogging this week at Comedy Central. Carlos Mencia was last week so it's a pretty seamless transition. This is your big chance to comment on my posts since I don't leave room for them here. Let's get the ball rolling: I have a fat ass. Fat fat fattyass. They should call me Fattyassdtmiller. Fatassdtastic.
2) When you make your reservations for New York's Funniest Reporter Contest this Thursday at Gotham, say you are there for "Mandy Stadtmiller." Tell them you are using air quotes unless you own a video phone.
Thursday Sept. 14 7 p.m. $12/two drink min (all proceeds go to charity) Gotham Comedy Club 208 W. 23rd St. (7th & 8th Aves.) 212/367-9000
3) Also don't forget to mark your calendar for this Friday for the Pindeldyboz fundraiser.I'll be doing a totally different set, most likely consisting of hilariously mortifying journal entries I write every damn day on the F train. The phrases, "You are beautiful," "You are a beautiful child of the universe," and "I really need to buy socks," will be read with complete and utter conviction.
Friday Sept. 15 7 p.m. $10 The Slipper Room 167 Orchard St. Lineup includes: Seth Herzog, Michael Showalter and Sam Lipsyte.
4) I hope to see you both Thursday (it really is the new Tuesday) and Friday (it really is the new Thursday) because afterward I'm going to be on performing hiatus for a while to work on a book proposal for my very patient literary agent.
See how hilarious that sentence was. That's just a taste of what you are in store for.
RODNEY Dangerfield was fondly remembered the other night at the comedy club that bears his name after a screening of "Legends: Rodney Dangerfield," which was exec-produced by his daughter, Melanie Roy-Friedman, and airs tonight on Comedy Central. The audience - which included Jerry Seinfeld, Robert Klein, Joy Behar of "The View" and Susie Essman from "Curb Your Enthusiasm" - saw footage shot by Melanie of her dad's stand-up act and testimonials from comics whose careers he boosted, including Adam Sandler, Chris Rock and Ray Romano. Essman told The Post's Mandy Stadtmiller that Dangerfield was the only person who urged her to make her act raunchier. "Rodney called me up one day out of nowhere," Essman recalled. " 'You got to be the female Andrew Dice Clay, that's the way to make you a big star,' and I was like, 'I don't know, Rodney, I kind of want to be myself.' "
Gotham Comedy Club 208 W. 23rd St. (7th & 8th Aves.) 212/367-9000
Poster and Web site magic thanks to the inimitable Ryan McCormick andGeorge Sarris. The best part? Getting mentored by Sharon Simon, who, in addition to cradling me softly in her bosom, is wicked hilarious. If you don't believe me, believe Wikipedia, which notes this highlight:
...Simon delivered, even taking shots at the sex life of a pregnant woman whose husband, she joked, "Wanted sex because he felt like it was a threesome." The audience laughed at everything, even when Simon admitted that her "Grandma died doing what she loved... heroin."
I have my ass and my purse to thank for this fine display of literary craftsmanship. What impresses me the most is how Ass-Purse managed to stay emphatically on message while also playing the emoticon card just right.
Rule No.2: Think of it like a first-date negotiation.
Before that "Lost" fanatic tries to put his hand down your blouse "metaphorically," remind him to ask if it's OK first. In other words, before he has a chance to bring up Jack's recent capture, tell him you'd like to talk things out a bit: You've only seen half of Season One, and you don't want him to spoil the $100 you've invested in downloading episodes from iTunes. Suggest he ask you, "Does this make you feel comfortable? What about this? I'm enjoying this, are you?" Find something that feels good—for both of you! It's a very interesting island full of all sorts of goings-on.
Here's a helpful technique for managing stress during difficult times: First, get one of those glass snow domes with a happy little snowman and an idyllic, peaceful winter scene.
you are very good at acting like a victim with the whole andy dick thing, when really you are just an opportunistic predator. try being clever and creative enough to where you can gain popularity without picking on an easy target like andy. it doesn't take much talent on your end to get a laugh from telling people how andy acts. and before you get defensive, try to think that maybe i'm trying to help you be better as a comedian. truely successful comedians don't need aid from other high profile celebrities to further themselves. i'm sure you won't post this because it might make you look 'bad' (God forbid), but hopefully you hear me. have a great weekend:)
truely! [sic]
(UPDATE: Dude deleted comment. But we'll always have it. We will. I love "Predator"!)
Which reminds me of one of my favorite things I've ever read from legendary SNL writer Michael O'Donoghue: "How to Write Good." Here is an excerpt.
Lesson 6—Quoting Other Authors
If placed in a situation where you must quote another author, always write "[sic]" after any word that may be misspelled or looks the least bit questionable in any way: If there are no misspellings or curious words, toss in a few "[sic]"s just to break up the flow. By doing this, you will appear to be knowledgeable and "on your toes," while the one quoted will seem suspect and vaguely discredited. Two examples will suffice:
"O Sleepless as the river under thee, Vaulting the sea, the prairies' dreaming sod Unto us lowiest sometime sweep, descend And of the curveship [sic] lend a myth to God." — Hart Crane
"Beauty is but a flowre [sic], Which wrinckles [sic] will devoure [sic], Brightnesse [sic] falls from the ayre [sic], Queenes [sic] have died yong [sic] and faire [sic], Dust hath closde [sic] Helens [sic] eye [sic]. I am sick [sic], I must dye [sic]: Lord, have mercy on us." — Thomas Nashe
Note how only one small "[sic]" makes Crane's entire stanza seem trivial and worthless, which, in his case, takes less doing than most. Nashe, on the other hand, has been rendered virtually unreadable. Anyone having to choose between you and Nashe would pick you every time! And, when it's all said and done, isn't that the name of the game?
Do you hate those girls with the really fake gigantic boobs? They always have the most idiotic things to say about Plato's "The Republic." It's like hello, the sun doesn't symbolize freedom in the cave allegory. It symbolizes man's capacity for good, you stupid slut.
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