Mandy Stadtmiller Dot Com

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

The tree outside the house where I used to live

No really, save the date

An email from Kristin McGonigle at Pindeldyboz...

On Friday, September 15, go to THE SLIPPER ROOM (167 Orchard Street in the L.E.S.) at 7pm. Because...

FUNNY SELLS! (working title):

A Night of Comedy and Funny Writing to Benefit Pindeldyboz, the finest in hand-held literature born in Astoria, Queens.

Featuring:
-your host, the always pants-peeing funny SETH HERZOG
-MICHAEL SHOWALTER (yeah, Michael Efffing Showalter)
-SAM LIPSYTE (also hilarious and smart!)
-MANDY STADTMILLER (comedian, blogger, writer and the woman who survived being licked by Andy Dick at the Shatner Roast and lived to tell about it)
-AND MORE! Seriously, it can't get any better, but it will!
Your $10 donation at the door will allow us to bring you another awesome edition of stories that defy classification. Along with our undying gratitude, natch.

Tell your friends, neighbors, loved ones, blogs and bring them all along. Though warn them that there's a good chance their asses will be laughed off, 'k? Thanks.

xo,
Kristin

Errbody know he my number 1 fan

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

I don't think I truly understood MySpace

until right now when I accepted Lauren as a friend, and the sounds of Tila Tequila's "Fuck Ya Man" came blaring out of my tinny little speakers.

The future of America is here, MyFriends.

And it ain't trying to fuck ya man.

UPDATE: I'm a moron. Lauren's profile is set to private. Now, please, really take the time to listen to "Fuck Ya Man" through Tila's profile. Your life, like mine, will be changed forever.

Capture the flag

8-6-7-5-3-0-Telephone Ba-ar

As Peter Kassnove noted in his weekly eminder, "Come check out our killer line-up this Thursday night."

In addition to being killer, it is also "free."

Love you.

**************************************************

Stand Up, Sketch and Video

with Cassidy Henehan and Peter Kassnove

"The Best Comedy on 2nd Ave. Between 9th and 10th St."

This week's guests...
**************************************************

Mandy Stadtmiller, Mike Barry, Claudia Cogan and Rich Zeroth

**************************************************
Thursdays 9pm, FREE!

The Telephone Bar
149 Second Ave. (between 9th and 10th) NYC
212-529-5000

subways
R / 8th St. stop
6 / Astor Pl. stop
F / 2nd Ave. stop

Child in a room

Do you think

when "Back in Time" comes on the radio, it's especially bittersweet for Huey Lewis?

The story of why I once shaved my head

Monday, August 28, 2006

Going back to

I just realized that

by doing the show I did tonight I missed Morgan Murphy at "Eating It."

I first heard of her after watching "Comedians of Comedy," where she was mentioned as a standup to watch. Then I went to the Shatner roast and recognized her chilling from a table away with Doug Benson, as they watched Patton Oswalt deliver some of the jokes they wrote for him. Today, I read about her on The Apiary leaving Kimmel to do standup full-time.

So here, thanks first to Keith Huang, is a little "Comedians," and then thanks to a general YouTube search, is a lot of Morgan.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Yay

The time is nigh

Monday Evening Standup (guest-hosted by Carolyn Castiglia) @ Pete’s Candy Store

Monday, August 28
7:30 p.m. - Free
709 Lorimer St., Williamsburg
(F to 14th, L to Lorimer)

Lineup: Greg Barris, Mike Burns, Michelle Buteau, Dustin D’Addato, Greg Morabito, Mandy Stadtmiller

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Hypnotic, hypnotic, hypnotic

Via The Apiary via Keith Huang

Stellar

If you are ever in doubt as to who is punk rock

It is Lindsay. No quip. No writing. Just the truth. That's right.

A funny MySpace parody from my friend Bobby of the esteemed Riggedproductions.com

UPDATE: Film was taken down to be workshopped, so in the meantime, check out any number of his great movies or podcasts at his site.

Who's a pretty girl?

S.V.U.

Friend who I made out with a while back: So, did Andy Dick really touch your boobs?

Me: Yes.

F.W.I.M.O.W.A.W.B.: Man, that's not cool.

Me: Tell me about it.

F.W.I.M.O.W.A.W.B.: He got farther than I did.

Sports

"People have lots of creative ways of ruining music for each other," says writer Mary Phillips-Sandy,

29, who with boyfriend Bryan Bruchman created the aptly titled Ruinedmusic.com to document such harrowing tales. "The idea is that you love music and then something happens to alter your appreciation. We think of our site as a way for people to get the story off their chest so they can listen to the song again."

So we asked musicians—from the legendary Paul Anka to electronic pioneer Moby to, well, Candlebox—to share their own stories of Ruined Music to accelerate the healing.

(Special thanks to Andrew Bird for giving me a funny story even while vacationing on top of a mountain, to Moby for giving me the best Huey Lewis picture ever and to Mary Phillips-Sandy for being Mary Phillips-Sandy.)

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Showing some ’quin

Spike jones

I don't subscribe to "Skateboard MAG," but someone in my building does. It was the coverline "Are you a skartist?" that really caught my eye—and forced me to come to a harsh conclusion.

I will never be able to write anything that skawesome.

Uh-oh

Mackenzie always sends me the funniest shit

And this is, quite possibly, the best MySpace comment ever.

hey lover..im coming to nj for my grandpa's funeral..so ill hit u up when i get to town..holla!!!...xoxo

Hiptard

It's all working out exactly as I planned

Someone found my blog today through Googling "backstage" and "big boobs."

I can only hope Cheetos were being eaten at the time and many windows toggled.

Bright lights, big sister, 2003

Private parts

Sister: I listened to the Stern audio.

Me: Uh-huh.

Sister: He wondered if you were hot.

Me: Uh-huh.

Sister: You should go on the show.

Me: Uh-huh, well, I told them I was willing.

Sister: Yeah. You should go on.

Me: But they asked me do a phone interview instead.

Sister: Still—

Me: What?

Sister: I think you should go on the show.

Me: Okay, Amie. Thanks.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Re:

Do you think Billy Ocean has any Billy Ocean on his iPod?

Or do you think he has taste?

Speaking of licenses to chill, will be doing Comedy Igloo this Sunday with a fantastic lineup. Past shows have sold out very quickly, so please e-mail kevinjanus@comedyigloo.com to get your tickets in advance.

Sunday, Aug. 27
8pm
UNDER St. Marks
94 St. Marks Place (between First Ave and Ave A)
Subway 6 to Astor Place, F/V to 2nd Ave, L to First Ave
(212) 722-1964
Admission: $10

Lineup:
* Leo Allen (former writer for “Saturday Night Live”; Comedy Central Presents: Slovin and Allen; Comedy Central’s Premium Blend; Comedy Central’s Comedians of Comedy);
* Andres du Bouchet (Giant Tuesday Night);
* Eric Kirchberger (Comedy Central’s Premium Blend);
* Jeff Mac (Comedy Central’s Live at Gotham);
* Mandy Stadtmiller (writer, New York Post).

Purveyors of the coming Apocalypse—they're just like us!

Breaking celebrity news

They really love lettuce!

For the sake of art

A very special Andy Dick reenactment

Sunday, August 20, 2006

I am African

Here's a bit of the audio from Stern

With a bonus Joel McHale joke from "The Soup" at the end. Thanks to The Malcontent.

Listen up.

Also: It wasn't Joe Francis in the room. The dude, who's talking in the background with Dick, is just referring to the process of pulling an LA Times on Joe Francis.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Stepping ou-out

The one line that could have saved M. Night's last movie from total box office disaster

“I have had it with this motherfucking lady in this motherfucking water!”

Friday, August 18, 2006

Big giant head

Parental discretion advised

Andy Dick is Magic, A True Story
By Mandy Stadtmiller

***
Cast of characters:
Mandy Stadtmiller
Andy Dick
Chick with big boobs
Dude #1
Dude #2
Narrator
***

Narrator: Scene One. In which Andy pees in front of Mandy.

Dude #1: Is it Star, what is it...

Mandy: I work—

Dude #1: Who is it—

Mandy: I work for the New York Post.

Dude #1: OH SHIT, BUDDY!

Andy: Oh no, oh no.

Dude #1: Oh no no no. It's it's bad.

Andy: Page Six – how old are you?

Dude #1: There's too many bad reports—

Andy: How old are you?

Mandy: I'm 30.

Dude #1: On Page Six—

Andy: No, no, no. Don't fucking—

Dude #1: They put so much bad shit on you, buddy.

Andy: Don't put—

Narrator: Peeing noise.

Andy: Please don't—

Narrator: Peeing noise continues.

Dude #1: She'll put this in the fucking article.

Narrator: Peeing noise continues accompanied by spitting noise.

Andy: I'm serious—

Dude #1: She'll put this in the article. She's going to put this in the article

Andy: Don't, I'm fucking serious—

Dude #1: You haven't been nice, you guys have been mean.

Andy: I'm always cordial. I'm a nice guy.

Dude #1: One time, buddy, you hit on the fucking reporter one time and they fucking hammered you.

Andy: I'm hitting on the reporter now.

Narrator: Scene Two. In which Andy flirts with the chick in the room with big boobs.

Andy: I hate everyone here. You guys, all you guys want to do is bring me down because you're jealous. You just want to bring me down. (to chick) Did I do good tonight?

Chick: Yes you did. I was jealous you didn’t lick my face.

Andy: I'll lick your face. I did lick your face.

Dude #2: You weren't paying attention.

Dude #1: Zipit.com

Andy (to chick's boobs): Are those real?

Chick: Mmmhmmm.

Dude #1: What happened on the last Page Six?

Mandy: Well that's what I was going to ask—

Andy: I don't want to talk about Page Six. If you're part of Page Six, I really I have no comment—

Dude #1: She's trying to be—with you!

Andy: You fucking put something nice in there baby please for real please—

Dude #1: Don't pull an LA Times on Joe Francis, buddy, buddy, did you hear that one?

Andy: Please please please baby please put.... Please baby please baby baby please baby please baby please put something nice please baby put something nice please baby. They're so mean to me, Page Six please put something nice. You see I’m not a mean guy, I’m not weird, maybe I'm a little weird, but I'm not like—

Dude #1: But they go after you buddy, Page Six goes after you buddy—

Andy: They make me out to be a monster, I'm not a monster baby please I just want to have fun. Baby please please please.

Narrator: Scene Three: In which Andy proclaims his abilities with Farrah Fawcett.

Dude #1: This is all on Page Six by the way, it's all on Page Six, the whole fucking thing. She goes, "I don't even have to have a report because I'm already"...

Andy: Put that in Page Six.

Mandy: Well I was just going to ask you about the last thing that they put in there.

Andy: What'd they say?

Mandy: I think it was about, um, like you had your hands down some guys' pants at a club and—

Dude #2: Those fucking clubs they force him—

Mandy: Yeah—

Andy: Really?

Andy: Do you see my hands down guys' pants at this club?

Mandy: No—

Andy: I know right, it didn't happen—

Mandy: So tonight so tell me backstage like what was going on.

Andy: Yeah, Farrah Fawcett...fucking loves to fuck—

Dude #1: A lot of cocksucking—

Andy: You can write that.

Mandy: What's that?

Andy: Farrah Fawcett wants to fuck my big fat thick dick—

Dude #1: I was the one trying to fuck her.

Andy: You can write that, you can write that you fucking—

Dude #1: He doesn't even want to fuck her—

Andy: You know what I want to fuck you.

Narrator: Scene Four. In which Andy continues to flirt with the chick with the big boobs.

Andy: (to chick) How old are you? How old are you? She's from Sweden aren't you? Norway? Sweden?

Chick: I'm German.

Andy: (to chick) How old are you, how old are you, how old are you?

Chick: Old enough.

Andy: 25.

Andy: Mmm.

Andy: I'm 40. I'm 40.

Chick: You look great.

Andy: So do you.

Chick: You look fabulous.

Andy: So do you.

Narrator: Scene Five. In which Andy talks about sobriety.

Me: So did you party before going on tonight?

Andy: Nothing. Nothing. I always perform sober and then when the show is over I have a cocktail or two to five.

Dude #2: We have low tolerances.

Dude #1: And the roast was—

Andy: How did you like my sober performance?

Dude #1: Weren't you there?

Me: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I thought it was funny. I thought the whole roast was funny.

Andy: Really, do you want to do some blow then?

Narrator: Scene Six. In which Andy talks about courage.

Andy: You know I really don't care. I didn't do anything wrong, I was sober for my performance, I didn't do anything up to my performance, I took it like a man, everyone lampooning me, lambasting me.

Chick: They were!

Andy: They just went off on me, and I took it like a man, and then I went on stage and did my bit real funny and whatnot and then after that I had a couple, just two vodka cranberries and then that gave me the courage—that gave me—that gave me—that gave me the courage to talk to Farrah and me and her have a date. On Tuesday. I'm going to fuck the shit out of her.

Dude #2: Put that in Page Six.

Dude #1: Put that in Page Six.

Andy: Put that in Pages 6, 7, and 8, you fucking bitch, that's how big my dick is. That's how big my dick is.

Mandy: Why did you ask me if I wanted to do blow?

Andy: I don't have any. You look like a fucking cokewhore. You look like a cokewhore. My friends have it. My friends have it. My friends have it. My friends have coke. I don't do it. I don't do it. You look like a cokewhore.

Dude #2: It's code name for high fives, the only thing we gave around here is high fives. High fives, Andy, can I get a high five.

Andy: You look like a cokewhore.

Mandy: I do?

Andy: Yeah, do you want some?

Mandy: So—

Andy: Do you want some? Do you want some? Do you want some?

Mandy: No.

Andy: Well then I guess I was wrong, you're not one.

Dude #1: Guess what, Page Six.

Andy: I love cokewhores, they're so easy. I guess you're not as easy as I thought.

Narrator: Scene Seven. In which Andy talks about being funny.

Dude #1: Is he not allowed to be be funny when he has to be funny?

Andy: Yeah can't I be funny?

Dude #2: Would you say, "Keith Richards lay off the alcohol..."

Andy: No. Don't compare me to Keith Richards, dude. I'm not that fucked up. I had to do the whole fucking red carpet which lasts an hour and that was one drink there and then I got into my dressing room and I had another drink and then I'm on stage and then after I do my bit I drank a little more. What to do you want. Do you want me to fuck the shit out of you? What's your problem. You want me to fuck you. Give me a kiss.

Dude #1: There goes Page Six.

Mandy: No, no, no, no.

Dude #1: Can the title just be, Page Six?

Andy: I don't know what your motivation is. I don't know what your motivation is.

Mandy: I just wanted to talk to you.

Dude #1: She just wants a story of your dirtiness.

Andy: I think you want to fuck me, I think you want to fuck me.

Mandy: No.

Andy: Then what to do you want, there's nothing dirty here.

Dude #1: All of the sudden it turns into a Joe Francis conversation.

Andy: There's nothing dirty here. I don't drink that much. I don't do blow.

Dude #1: He hasn't even puked himself, look.

Andy: For real, dude. Are you okay? I'm a lightweight, I don't eat that much during the day so if I do drink a fucking glass of Pinot Noir then it hits me hard, come on. I'm not a fuck up like you think I am. I'm not the fuck up you think I am.

Mandy: Yeah?

Andy: No, no.

Mandy: Then why are you like pulling out your penis and like—

Dude #1: Character.

Andy: When, when did I pull out?

Dude #1: Do you have a picture of it?

Andy: Oh that's good, that's good, that's good, good try, lady. Good try, lady. Good try, lady. Good try, lady. You're in my room, and I have to pee. I don't close the door and you know why I don't close the door? Because If I close the door people think I'm doing drugs, you fucking bitch!

Dude #1: I think she broke in, buddy...

Andy: What? Yeah. I think she did. I'm fucking serious. If I close the door, people think I'm doing drugs. I want you to know I'm just fucking peeing like a normal—I'm going to pee again...on you if you don't fucking, for real dude.

Chick: (shriek of joy)

Andy: You need to loosen up. You need to fucking help me out. You're either on the team or you're off the team. Remember her, you remember her, remember her face.

Narrator: Scene Eight. In which Andy talks about his lasting presence.

Andy: You're either on or you're off. I'm not a come and go kind of guy. I've been around for quite a while. I've been here for over 20 years, baby.

Dude #1: He's a come in your face kind of guy. That was my joke! High five!

Andy: Ow, my broken finger.

Andy: I'm a come in your face kind of guy. Yeah.

Dude #1: I wrote that, I want the credit later on.

Andy: It's not gonna work. That doesn't work out. Come in your face doesn't work. That doesn't work. Come in your face doesn't work. I wish I could come in her face, it won't work out.

Mandy: So...

Andy: You need to fucking relax and be on our team. You be on our team. You want to fucking make your way up in the fucking ranks then get on the team, bitch. Then you're done, bitch, you're done, bitch.

Narrator: Scene Nine. In which Andy attacks.

Mandy: Yeah so when you were licking everyone's face—

Andy: I was doing it because I was desperately trying to tie the show together like a fisherman with tuna, and you're a little piece of fresh tuna, fucking bring my net in, tie it all together, tie it together like a throughline. Like I'll lick you, I'll lick him, I'll lick her, I'll lick him. It was me trying to tie it all together. You know what? I was giving that to the editor. That was my gift to the editor, you're welcome if they can tie that together then they did my job because I gave it to them. If they didn't then fuck it, you know what whatever. That's it. But thanks for asking. But thanks for asking. Do you want me to lick your face now? Do you want me to lick your cunt? Do you want me to lick your cunt? Do you want me to lick your – bye bye.

Mandy: Whose face did you like licking the most?

Andy: Yours, yours.

Mandy: No, no, no, of the other ones..

Narrator: The sounds of struggle and hysterical laughter.

Andy: I love her, I love her, I don't want her to leave, don't leave. Don't be a fucking pussy, don't puss out.

Dude #1: She got the golden ticket! It's your golden ticket. You have to go.

Andy: Bye bye.

Narrator: Mandy turns the voice recorder off. Andy foists himself on her one last time, by grabbing her boobs and trying to kiss her. Mandy lifts her arm up in the classic rape defense move and Andy bites her on the right hand.

Now she is magical. The End.

I love the

How great was last evening's show?

So great. So great. So great. Review: So great. Nick Kroll, Michelle Collins, Julie Klausner and Gabe Liedman are so damn funny and so damn other-talented. Special thanks to Baron Vaughn for playing me. I've never felt so black and beautiful.

The light

Because I'm such an insatiable wit about faithfully transcribing others' foibles, I present to you

The reason I am no longer allowed to text.

I particularly like the question mark after the fifth message. Also dig the stunning, somewhat majestic existential question raised herein:

...Are you even in Brooklyn?

12:28 a.m.
Alright, well very nice to meet you sir.

12:34 a.m.
um that's me call me if u want

12:36 a.m.
Ok tried ur # but no cigar am headed home almost

12:39 a.m.
Could meet at a brooklynish bar if u were so inclined but I'm guessing no

1:18 a.m.
am about 2 pass out near the slope?

1:20 a.m.
Gotta confess it would be fun to meet up but almost nearing my end of the night

1:24 a.m.
Well its 124 and I'm abiut to sign off...fun 2 meet u!

1:30 a.m.
tempted 2 call u 1 more time

1:46 a.m.
&Allright just woke up roommates r u in brooklyn even?

1:50 a.m.
wacky good night, [redacted]. Good luck w ur evening's conquests

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Bring it

To Do: Wu-Tang, Takka Takka or Mandy Stadtmiller

From Gawker:

To Do: Wu-Tang, Takka Takka or Mandy Stadtmiller

Ghostface, RZA, and the rest of Wu-Tang (RIP, ODB) take over Webster Hall tonight. Expect just as many people on stage as in the crowd. flavorpill]

Head to the 'Slope and indulge blog-buzz band du jour Takka Takka; they perform with Slowlands at Union Hall. Catch them now before they hit the road with Clap Your Hands Say Whatever. [Brooklyn Vegan

Amongst the talent in tonight's Other Talent Show, Post scribe Mandy Stadtmiller will take the stage to reenact Andy Dick's insanity from William Shatner's roast. There might even be some ladybag-grabbing. How could you say no? At $6, it's bargain entertainment. Mo Pitkins, 34 Avenue A, 9:30 PM.

Hi, mom.

Guess this wasn't clear before: The re-enactment will be dialogue. Let's face facts, though.

My hand is literally being forced into prop comedy here. For the first time in my life, I know exactly what it's like to be Carrot Top when he suggests Luau Wednesdays in "Chairman of the Board."

And I've got to tell you, it feels a little AIDS-y.

Ah-cha-cha-cha

Open mic enthusiast and/or enthusiasm

From Jossip:

Not content with having her grandchildren-ready Andy Dick tale be just the lead item in Page Six, the Post's Mandy Stadtmiller is wringing all that she can out of the oft pubicly unconscious fella's face licking incident at William Shatner's Comedy Central roast. Quite the aspiring stand up comic, we understand, Stadtmiller is taking Dick along for the stage ride.

OK, first off...

I'm having grandkids!!

Secondly, I've always preferred the term "aspiring chuckle factory."

"Aspiring ha ha hut" also acceptable.

"Aspiring ha ha hut that looks like a fucking coke whore," pushing it.

Thirdly, how much do I love the term "pubicly unconscious"?

A whole lot. A whole lot lot lot, that's how much.

Am talking to Stern's Steve Langford again around 12:30 p.m. today to react to the fact that an associate of Dick's apparently called in to say things along the lines of "she got exactly what she had coming."

Oh, ladies. And you thought all the good ones were taken.

If this associate really nails me, I might just break down and discuss the fact that I did have a delicious spread of caviar and capers laid out on my right hand exactly when the incident occurred.

But that's only if he really nails me.

FYI.

That was a ha ha hut.

Princess

I much prefer "fresh little piece of tuna" to "you look like a bleep-ing coke whore," thank you very much

I'm performing in the blockbuster Other Talent Show tonight at Mo Pitkin's and will be picking a few lucky audience members to help me re-enact The Dickcident from the Shatner roast wherein Mr. Wacky grabs my boobs, offers to lick my pootie, tries to stick his tongue down my throat and then ultimately bites my hand when I fend him off, all while I simultaneously begin nervous-laughing uncontrollably—you know, just like they teach you to do in "Just Say No" class.

While the part where Dick says that I look like a "fucking coke whore" (awww...and here I didn't think I was skinny enough) is an undeniable family favorite, I still think the classic moment comes when male compatriot Alfonso (who keeps chanting cryptically "Joe Francis, Joe Francis, man") brings up partyboy-in-arms Keith Richards, which causes Dick to sober up for like 30 seconds and say in a super-stoic voice:

"No. Don't compare me to Keith Richards. I'm not that fucked up."

Also, I've been given an instructive lesson in The World Of Gossip as Giant Game of Telephone as I've been getting emails today from people that say things like, "Andy Dick peed on you? Wow!" and I have to gently correct them, "No, no, no, he just threatened to pee on me after peeing in front of me."

Finally. I have some idea of what it's like to be Bob Woodward.

THE OTHER TALENT SHOW
***TONIGHT***
9:30 pm - $6
34 Avenue A
(F to 2nd Ave.)
Lineup: Andres duBouchet, Laura Dawn, Ze Frank, Julie Klausner, Nick Krohl, John Mulaney, Mandy Stadtmiller

Buy advance tickets here.

...In other news, today's Page Six reports,

CRAZED comic Andy Dick has been banned from next month's New York City Underground Comedy festival following his bizarre behavior at Comedy Central's roast of William Shatner. As Page Six reported, Dick licked the faces of Farrah Fawcett, Carrie Fisher and Patton Oswalt before groping and biting the hand of Post reporter Mandy Stadtmiller backstage after the taping last Sunday. Festival spokesman Ryan McCormick says the ban on Dick will be rescinded only if he wears a Hannibal Lecter mask, comes with a doctor's note stating that he has had tetanus shots and agrees to buy Stadtmiller an "all-expense paid vacation to Hawaii."

Now that's a fresh little piece of tuna!

On Sept. 14 I will be competing in the festival's Funniest Reporter in NYC Contest at Gotham Comedy Club. But tonight, get your thespy self down to Mo Pitkin's. I'll be the one who doesn't look like a fucking coke whore. Thanks.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

The Shat

The hand that feeds you

Audio from the Dickcident is airing today starting with a newsbrief at noon on Stern (some bits of my interview with Stern reporter Steve Langford already broadcast Tuesday). I re-listened to the whole event on my digital voice recorder and was particularly amused by the part where Dick says, "I would date you. I would date you. I would date you."

Why. Why. Why am I so terrible at reading signals from men.

Also, in related news, wanted to share the fact that Patton Oswalt absolutely hit it out of the park at the roast. Really. I told Doug Benson, who actually wrote the joke for Oswalt about the Jessica Simpson vid that inspired the night's licking spree ("Does anyone here know how to give a rollerskate AZT?"), that when Oswalt went up to the mic there was a palpable electricity in the air. He was going to destroy. You could just feel it.

As soon as Oswalt said the AZT line, that's when Dick marched over to him and delivered the first long lick of the night. Oswalt then delivered one of the funniest improvs I've ever heard in my life:

"See you in 10 years, erections!"

A little later he noted: "Why do I feel like Courtney Love killed Andy Dick and put his skin on?"

Right. So, in addition to the distinct sound of streaming urine in the backstage audio I gave Stern, other highlights of the serenade include:

--when I challenge the comic about whipping it out in front of me and Dick responds that he did so in order to prove he was not doing drugs and then says he is going to pee on me and then asks that I help him out by writing something positive.

[PRO TIP: This is actually to-the-letter what you should do from the celebrity primer "How To Deal With Reporters When It Really Matters."]

--when he says that he only offered me coke because I looked like a cokewhore (again, TOTALLY missing the signals.)

--when he says a minute or so pre-bite, "I love her. I want her. I don't want her to leave. Don't leave, don't be a f---ing p---y. Don't p--- out."

--when dude foists himself on me near the end (I turn off the voice recorder right when it starts), I apparently react to molestation by nutjob comedy savants by laughing uncontrollably.

[PRO TIP: This is actually t0-the-letter what you should do from the journo primer "How To Deal With Celebrities When It Really Matters."]

--when he says that I better not mess with him, because he is not a come-and-go-kind-of-guy, which then inspires his friend Alfonso to pipe up and say, yeah, he's a come-on-your-face-kind-of-guy (Alfonso then demands that I give him credit for that joke.)

So, uh.

Hey, everyone.

Alfonso came up with the come-on-your-face-kind-of-guy joke.

...The two interviews I recorded right after were with Jeffrey Ross and Greg Giraldo and both end with me saying, "Well...thanks for not biting me!" While this seems like it has the potential to be a delightful new tagline for me as a reporter, I'm thinking I will retire it immediately.

...Meanwhile, the world proves their cleverness yet again through the medium of electronic mail. Particularly enjoyed these:

1) From publicist Matthew W. Caldecutt:

Since Hallmark doesn't make any cards for the occasion

I'm sorry that Andy Dick

...is Andy Dick

2) From comedian Michelle Collins, now blogging full time for "Best Week Ever":

My coworker and I wrote a limerick about you:

the girl who was bit by andy dick
got her tale in page six awfully quick
they checked her for rabies
and then andy's babies
all from one unwelcomed lick

3) From comedy writer Courtney Lilly:

Once bitten by Andy Dick I know one's immediate concern goes to whether or not you're hours away from turning into a Vampire, Werewolf or drug-addled gay man. However that comes out, the only place that makes sense for you now is Los Angeles. There's a whole community out here for people, like yourself, who've suffered as you have. And their numbers are growing. In fact, Dick bites are now the Number One cause for non-Hispanic immigration to Los Angeles, ahead of even Scientology. L.A. is here for you, Mandy -- and we understand.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Dick

And why did he go on his licking spree?

"I was doing it because I was desperately trying to tie the show together like a fisherman with tuna, and you're a little piece of fresh tuna," Andy Dick told Stadtmiller. "But thanks for asking. Do you want me to lick your face now?"

Ed note: My right hand is recovering quite nicely, thanks for your concern. And the skin was not broken so my doctor friends assure me that I am probably "not too AIDS-y." Their words. My recording of this incident is so ridiculous that all I can tell you is that I'm strongly considering doing a dramatic re-enactment at Mo's on Thursday night so people can fully appreciate the experience of, say, this extended cut:

"I was doing it because I was desperately trying to tie the show together like a fisherman with tuna, and you're a little piece of fresh tuna, f---ing bring my net in, tie it all together, tie it together like a throughline, like I'll lick you, I'll lick him, I'll lick her, I'll lick him. It was me trying to tie it all together. You know what? I was giving that to the editor. That was my gift to the editor, you're welcome if they can tie that together then they did my job because I gave it to them. If they didn't then f--- it, you know what whatever. That's it. But thanks for asking. But thanks for asking. Do you want me to lick your face now? Do you want me to lick your c---? Do you want me to lick your c---? Do you want me to lick your – bye bye."

Walking the walk

This funsday

It's almost here, the show of the century!

The Other Talent Show (hosted by Michelle Collins and Jon Friedman) @ Mo Pitkins

*Thursday*
9:30 pm - $6
34 Avenue A
(F to 2nd Ave.)
Lineup: Andres duBouchet, Laura Dawn, Ze Frank, Julie Klausner, Nick Krohl, John Mulaney, Mandy Stadtmiller

Best in afterparty

Snakes in a book

And what's this about Quentin Tarantino being one of her biggest fans?

"I love how me having a gag blurb from him equals him being a huge fan," says author Christa Faust, who met the director at a party about a decade ago. When a photo was taken, Tarantino called her (the only brunette in a crowd of blondes) "a Veronica in a world of Betties."

"I said how about, as a joke, we put that quote from the party as a blurb, and everyone will say, 'It's so brilliant, it's so insightful,'" she laughs. "It has nothing to do with anything. It's my hair color. We thought it would be a funny joke, and now he's my biggest fan."

Friday, August 11, 2006

Cue, kid

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Love is not dead

Congratulations, Kambri and Christian!

This article features one of my favorite editorial asides ever:

This time the cab ride ended in a walk to her doorstep, where he announced: “O.K., I’m going to leave now, before I try to make out with you.”

“It was kind of one of those, ‘Hey, if you take this serious, then I'm being serious, but if you’re totally weirded out, it’s just a big joke,’” Mr. Finnegan told the Love Beat, who knew exactly what he meant.

The rejection show

Ciao, Sid

Inspiration

A fund raiser and a raise funder

Am doing

...Funniest Reporter in New York Contest, Gotham Comedy Club, September 14.

...Pindeldyboz Fundraiser, hosted by Seth Herzog, September 15.

...Most Smiling on the Inside Audience Member in Long Island, always.

Chill out

Important information about your upcoming flight

Nothing may be carried in passengers' pockets. Passengers may only take the following items through the airport security checkpoint, in a single transparent plastic bag:

pocket size wallets and pocket size purses plus contents (money, credit cards, identity cards, etc. but not handbags or purses)
travel documents essential for the journey (passports and travel tickets)
prescription medicines and medical items sufficient and essential for the flight (a diabetic kit for example), except in liquid form unless verified as authentic.
eye glasses and sunglasses, without cases
contact lens cases, without bottles of solution
for those travelling with an infant: baby food, milk (the contents of each bottle must be tasted by the accompanying passenger) and sanitary items sufficient and essential for the flight (wipes, creams, disposal bags)
female sanitary items sufficient and essential for the flight, if unboxed
tissues (unboxed) and/or handkerchiefs
keys (but no electrical key fobs)

Female sanitary items sufficent and essential for the flight, if unboxed.

Great.

Now I need to find another new title for my one-woman show.

Obnoxiousaeverywhere

Baby,

make me a drink.

Wednesday, August 9, 2006

Puckish

Highlights and review of Tony Danza and Don Rickles at the North Fork Theatre in Westbury

Tony Danza opens. He decries his show's cancellation. He tapdances. He sings songs. He plays the ukulele. He plays the horn. He does a rap about famous people born in Brooklyn. He takes off his jacket. The octogenarians cheer. He spotlights the woman in the audience who has the "Tony, Be My Boss" sign. He tapdances some more. Katherine whispers to me with her eyes popping reverentially, "This is truly horrible." The pink-lipsticked blonde in the bathroom disagrees.

A 20-minute intermission. A vodka soda, a gin and tonic. It's Miami Beach in here.

The orchestra starts up. Rickles is amazing. Rickles is fucking amazing. Rickles is fucking fucking amazing. "Are you ready to see a real performer?" Katherine asks me. I am. Rickles sings "Yankee Doodle Dandee." Rickles reminisces. A lot. He and Newhart. He and Newhart and their wives. Women and their jewelry. His wife drowned today, her jewelry-laden ass sunk her to the bottom. "You had to be there," he says. "It was really something." Talks about how much he misses Sinatra. Talks about how Francis had a special name for him backstage. Yeah. It was "get out of my way Jew." Rickles has a line for everyone. Calls Danza the Italian midget. Turns to the bandleader, says, "Look at this guy, passed away three years ago." Looks at the venue, says with an eye roll, "Oh sure. You do good at Westbury, you get to play Suffolk County." Does the racial humor. "Thank God for the Orientals, without them, the Jews would have no place to eat on Sundays." A lot of sexual stuff. Swings the microphone between his legs. Handshakes the pretty women. Invites a young man up, relishes in the awkwardness of a too-long hug. They dance. They pretend to pray in Japanese. More sexual stuff. "I made love to this one girl with a gap between her teeth. I wasn't sure if I was schtupping her or making tea." He does a million encores, but it's the song at the end that makes time stand still.

I am what I am
I am my own special creation
So come take a look
Give me the hook
Or the ovation
It's my world that I want to take a little pride in,
My world, and it's not a place I have to hide in.
Life's not worth a damn,
'Til you can say, "Hey world, I am what I am!"

He gets off stage. Does a funny forward walk and then a funny backward walk and then a funny forward walk again. A man is waiting for him offstage with a towel, and he's gone.

Tuesday, August 8, 2006

Excess baggage

Dressed in barely-there hot pink, the glittery-skinned, long-lashed Cole sits on the couch at Marquee listening to comedian Christian Finnegan

talking about VH1's courage in paying their commentators to "make jokes about Tara Reid's fake tits." Cole is smiling politely. Reid is a friend of hers. She doesn't like this party very much.

Monday, August 7, 2006

Bread and delicious

Update

I'm writing a pilot about a pilot who writes pilots about pilots who write pilots about pilots who write pilots about pilots who write pilots about pilots who write pilots about pilots who write pilots about pilots who write pilots about lovable fat guys with attractive, skinny wives. Thank you.