There are so, so many amazing things about this "blow off" email a friend of mine just received.

But first let me provide a little background to prepare you for the glory that is "Explanations and Apologies."

1) Upfront, it is important to note that my friend went out on just two dates with this guy, who we shall herein refer to as The Reason The Word Douchebag Was Invented. To understand their all-too-brief relationship, one only need know how it came to such an early demise. That would be when he—after not showing up for the third date—attempted a booty call after getting shitfaced at a strip club with friends.

2) During their two halfway decent dates, there were definitely warning signs. When she and TRTWDWI briefly made out one time, he very bizarrely and energetically transitioned into baby talk, where he would say things like, "Are you going to push me up against a wall now?"

"No," she recounted. "There are Web sites for that."

3) Of particular note in the email is TRTWDWI's attempt to exorcise his Catholic demons in a compelling little narrative about strip clubs which I believe you will find "phony and frustrating while simultaneously exceedingly hot, sexy and tantalizing."

4) Perhaps most poignant, however, is the moment where TRTWDWI describes my friend as having "that great quirkiness which is so appealing."

I'd bet money TRTWDWI has said the same thing about Barenaked Ladies, the first season of "According to Jim" and Zima Hard Black Cherry.

5) At the time of the ill-fated booty call, my friend made it very clear to TRTWDWI that it was over and she was never going to speak to him again. But now two months later, he has decided to let her down easy.

It was because—are you ready?—he was cheating on her. Yes, during their two-date relationship TRTWDWI was cheating on her. But don't take it from me. Take it from his shitty faux intellectual writing style. Or rather, surmise it.

Please note: If I do ever get married again, my first vow is going to be lifted straight from this text.

"I guess it's partly fear of committing to the wrong person when someone fantastic could be right around the corner, the thrill of the initial few months of dating someone new that you really click with, and sexual desires."

I love awkward lists of three. And sexual desires.

I also dare you to find a better written sentence in the history of the English language than this one.

"It was for bachelor party reasons."

From: TRTWDWI
Date: Nov 1, 2006 7:59 PM
Subject: Explanations and Apologies

I've been thinking about you and I know you probably don't care at all anymore and are probably well involved with someone else or dating some guy named Todd, but due to a guilty conscience, a desire to make myself feel better, or whatever male psychology is motivating me (you probably know better than I) I feel compelled to write you.

I want to apologize and explain for that fateful Friday night.

I was at a strip club. NY Dolls. It was for bachelor party reasons and I don't frequent them. I am not going to say I don't like them, but I've only been to about 15 in my entire life and find them phony and frustrating while simultaneously exceedingly hot, sexy and tantalizing. I was with my friends who would not let me leave. All of us later did go up to Circus and hung out till around 2:30 totally trashed. It was fun, but I did manage to surmise through my drunkenness that it was a gay or lesbian bar (Ed note: It's not). I got water thrown on me by the bartender instigated by my friend Pat, who later got slapped hard in the face by a strange girl in leopard tights for no reason other than "it looked like he needed it." It was a fun popcorn-filled night though.

The reason I didn't call or email you again really has nothing to do with you. In fact, I really liked you a lot. I thought you were smart, funny and had that great quirkiness which is so appealing. I was also really attracted to you. I think if things went further we would probably now be having a great time together. It's a shame really.

Anyhow, now comes the part where I am a jerk. As your female intuition and intelligence was telling you, yes, there was another woman in my life. So rather than let things go any further and screw everything up for her and be totally unfair to you, I decided to try to do the right thing by not straying too far. I have cheated in the past and I always felt horribly guilty about it and I know it has been very hurtful to several wonderful women. Of course, it didn't stop me from doing it. But I just didn't want to feel that way again or be hurtful. It really is an awful betrayal, but such is the male libido or at least my libido. I guess it's partly fear of committing to the wrong person when someone fantastic could be right around the corner, the thrill of the initial few months of dating someone new that you really click with, and sexual desires.

Maybe I shouldn't have written and just let everything be, but, I hope all is well with you and that you can accept this email as heartfelt even if unnecessary, completely tardy, and in the vein of what the hell is this guy still writing me for.

Fondly,
-D