Andy Dick is Magic, A True Story
By Mandy Stadtmiller

***
Cast of characters:
Mandy Stadtmiller
Andy Dick
Chick with big boobs
Dude #1
Dude #2
Narrator
***

Narrator: Scene One. In which Andy pees in front of Mandy.

Dude #1: Is it Star, what is it...

Mandy: I work—

Dude #1: Who is it—

Mandy: I work for the New York Post.

Dude #1: OH SHIT, BUDDY!

Andy: Oh no, oh no.

Dude #1: Oh no no no. It's it's bad.

Andy: Page Six – how old are you?

Dude #1: There's too many bad reports—

Andy: How old are you?

Mandy: I'm 30.

Dude #1: On Page Six—

Andy: No, no, no. Don't fucking—

Dude #1: They put so much bad shit on you, buddy.

Andy: Don't put—

Narrator: Peeing noise.

Andy: Please don't—

Narrator: Peeing noise continues.

Dude #1: She'll put this in the fucking article.

Narrator: Peeing noise continues accompanied by spitting noise.

Andy: I'm serious—

Dude #1: She'll put this in the article. She's going to put this in the article

Andy: Don't, I'm fucking serious—

Dude #1: You haven't been nice, you guys have been mean.

Andy: I'm always cordial. I'm a nice guy.

Dude #1: One time, buddy, you hit on the fucking reporter one time and they fucking hammered you.

Andy: I'm hitting on the reporter now.


Narrator: Scene Two. In which Andy flirts with the chick in the room with big boobs.

Andy: I hate everyone here. You guys, all you guys want to do is bring me down because you're jealous. You just want to bring me down. (to chick) Did I do good tonight?

Chick: Yes you did. I was jealous you didn’t lick my face.

Andy: I'll lick your face. I did lick your face.

Dude #2: You weren't paying attention.

Dude #1: Zipit.com

Andy (to chick's boobs): Are those real?

Chick: Mmmhmmm.

Dude #1: What happened on the last Page Six?

Mandy: Well that's what I was going to ask—

Andy: I don't want to talk about Page Six. If you're part of Page Six, I really I have no comment—

Dude #1: She's trying to be—with you!

Andy: You fucking put something nice in there baby please for real please—

Dude #1: Don't pull an LA Times on Joe Francis, buddy, buddy, did you hear that one?

Andy: Please please please baby please put.... Please baby please baby baby please baby please baby please put something nice please baby put something nice please baby. They're so mean to me, Page Six please put something nice. You see I’m not a mean guy, I’m not weird, maybe I'm a little weird, but I'm not like—

Dude #1: But they go after you buddy, Page Six goes after you buddy—

Andy: They make me out to be a monster, I'm not a monster baby please I just want to have fun. Baby please please please.


Narrator: Scene Three: In which Andy proclaims his abilities with Farrah Fawcett.

Dude #1: This is all on Page Six by the way, it's all on Page Six, the whole fucking thing. She goes, "I don't even have to have a report because I'm already"...

Andy: Put that in Page Six.

Mandy: Well I was just going to ask you about the last thing that they put in there.

Andy: What'd they say?

Mandy: I think it was about, um, like you had your hands down some guys' pants at a club and—

Dude #2: Those fucking clubs they force him—

Mandy: Yeah—

Andy: Really?

Andy: Do you see my hands down guys' pants at this club?

Mandy: No—

Andy: I know right, it didn't happen—

Mandy: So tonight so tell me backstage like what was going on.

Andy: Yeah, Farrah Fawcett...fucking loves to fuck—

Dude #1: A lot of cocksucking—

Andy: You can write that.

Mandy: What's that?

Andy: Farrah Fawcett wants to fuck my big fat thick dick—

Dude #1: I was the one trying to fuck her.

Andy: You can write that, you can write that you fucking—

Dude #1: He doesn't even want to fuck her—

Andy: You know what I want to fuck you.


Narrator: Scene Four. In which Andy continues to flirt with the chick with the big boobs.

Andy: (to chick) How old are you? How old are you? She's from Sweden aren't you? Norway? Sweden?

Chick: I'm German.

Andy: (to chick) How old are you, how old are you, how old are you?

Chick: Old enough.

Andy: 25.

Andy: Mmm.

Andy: I'm 40. I'm 40.

Chick: You look great.

Andy: So do you.

Chick: You look fabulous.

Andy: So do you.


Narrator: Scene Five. In which Andy talks about sobriety.

Me: So did you party before going on tonight?

Andy: Nothing. Nothing. I always perform sober and then when the show is over I have a cocktail or two to five.

Dude #2: We have low tolerances.

Dude #1: And the roast was—

Andy: How did you like my sober performance?

Dude #1: Weren't you there?

Me: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I thought it was funny. I thought the whole roast was funny.

Andy: Really, do you want to do some blow then?


Narrator: Scene Six. In which Andy talks about courage.

Andy: You know I really don't care. I didn't do anything wrong, I was sober for my performance, I didn't do anything up to my performance, I took it like a man, everyone lampooning me, lambasting me.

Chick: They were!

Andy: They just went off on me, and I took it like a man, and then I went on stage and did my bit real funny and whatnot and then after that I had a couple, just two vodka cranberries and then that gave me the courage—that gave me—that gave me—that gave me the courage to talk to Farrah and me and her have a date. On Tuesday. I'm going to fuck the shit out of her.

Dude #2: Put that in Page Six.

Dude #1: Put that in Page Six.

Andy: Put that in Pages 6, 7, and 8, you fucking bitch, that's how big my dick is. That's how big my dick is.

Mandy: Why did you ask me if I wanted to do blow?

Andy: I don't have any. You look like a fucking cokewhore. You look like a cokewhore. My friends have it. My friends have it. My friends have it. My friends have coke. I don't do it. I don't do it. You look like a cokewhore.

Dude #2: It's code name for high fives, the only thing we gave around here is high fives. High fives, Andy, can I get a high five.

Andy: You look like a cokewhore.

Mandy: I do?

Andy: Yeah, do you want some?

Mandy: So—

Andy: Do you want some? Do you want some? Do you want some?

Mandy: No.

Andy: Well then I guess I was wrong, you're not one.

Dude #1: Guess what, Page Six.

Andy: I love cokewhores, they're so easy. I guess you're not as easy as I thought.


Narrator: Scene Seven. In which Andy talks about being funny.

Dude #1: Is he not allowed to be be funny when he has to be funny?

Andy: Yeah can't I be funny?

Dude #2: Would you say, "Keith Richards lay off the alcohol..."

Andy: No. Don't compare me to Keith Richards, dude. I'm not that fucked up. I had to do the whole fucking red carpet which lasts an hour and that was one drink there and then I got into my dressing room and I had another drink and then I'm on stage and then after I do my bit I drank a little more. What to do you want. Do you want me to fuck the shit out of you? What's your problem. You want me to fuck you. Give me a kiss.

Dude #1: There goes Page Six.

Mandy: No, no, no, no.

Dude #1: Can the title just be, Page Six?

Andy: I don't know what your motivation is. I don't know what your motivation is.

Mandy: I just wanted to talk to you.

Dude #1: She just wants a story of your dirtiness.

Andy: I think you want to fuck me, I think you want to fuck me.

Mandy: No.

Andy: Then what to do you want, there's nothing dirty here.

Dude #1: All of the sudden it turns into a Joe Francis conversation.

Andy: There's nothing dirty here. I don't drink that much. I don't do blow.

Dude #1: He hasn't even puked himself, look.

Andy: For real, dude. Are you okay? I'm a lightweight, I don't eat that much during the day so if I do drink a fucking glass of Pinot Noir then it hits me hard, come on. I'm not a fuck up like you think I am. I'm not the fuck up you think I am.

Mandy: Yeah?

Andy: No, no.

Mandy: Then why are you like pulling out your penis and like—

Dude #1: Character.

Andy: When, when did I pull out?

Dude #1: Do you have a picture of it?

Andy: Oh that's good, that's good, that's good, good try, lady. Good try, lady. Good try, lady. Good try, lady. You're in my room, and I have to pee. I don't close the door and you know why I don't close the door? Because If I close the door people think I'm doing drugs, you fucking bitch!

Dude #1: I think she broke in, buddy...

Andy: What? Yeah. I think she did. I'm fucking serious. If I close the door, people think I'm doing drugs. I want you to know I'm just fucking peeing like a normal—I'm going to pee again...on you if you don't fucking, for real dude.

Chick: (shriek of joy)

Andy: You need to loosen up. You need to fucking help me out. You're either on the team or you're off the team. Remember her, you remember her, remember her face.


Narrator: Scene Eight. In which Andy talks about his lasting presence.

Andy: You're either on or you're off. I'm not a come and go kind of guy. I've been around for quite a while. I've been here for over 20 years, baby.

Dude #1: He's a come in your face kind of guy. That was my joke! High five!

Andy: Ow, my broken finger.

Andy: I'm a come in your face kind of guy. Yeah.

Dude #1: I wrote that, I want the credit later on.

Andy: It's not gonna work. That doesn't work out. Come in your face doesn't work. That doesn't work. Come in your face doesn't work. I wish I could come in her face, it won't work out.

Mandy: So...

Andy: You need to fucking relax and be on our team. You be on our team. You want to fucking make your way up in the fucking ranks then get on the team, bitch. Then you're done, bitch, you're done, bitch.


Narrator: Scene Nine. In which Andy attacks.

Mandy: Yeah so when you were licking everyone's face—

Andy: I was doing it because I was desperately trying to tie the show together like a fisherman with tuna, and you're a little piece of fresh tuna, fucking bring my net in, tie it all together, tie it together like a throughline. Like I'll lick you, I'll lick him, I'll lick her, I'll lick him. It was me trying to tie it all together. You know what? I was giving that to the editor. That was my gift to the editor, you're welcome if they can tie that together then they did my job because I gave it to them. If they didn't then fuck it, you know what whatever. That's it. But thanks for asking. But thanks for asking. Do you want me to lick your face now? Do you want me to lick your cunt? Do you want me to lick your cunt? Do you want me to lick your – bye bye.

Mandy: Whose face did you like licking the most?

Andy: Yours, yours.

Mandy: No, no, no, of the other ones..

Narrator: The sounds of struggle and hysterical laughter.

Andy: I love her, I love her, I don't want her to leave, don't leave. Don't be a fucking pussy, don't puss out.

Dude #1: She got the golden ticket! It's your golden ticket. You have to go.

Andy: Bye bye.

Narrator: Mandy turns the voice recorder off. Andy foists himself on her one last time, by grabbing her boobs and trying to kiss her. Mandy lifts her arm up in the classic rape defense move and Andy bites her on the right hand.

Now she is magical. The End.