I'm performing in the blockbuster Other Talent Show tonight at Mo Pitkin's and will be picking a few lucky audience members to help me re-enact The Dickcident from the Shatner roast wherein Mr. Wacky grabs my boobs, offers to lick my pootie, tries to stick his tongue down my throat and then ultimately bites my hand when I fend him off, all while I simultaneously begin nervous-laughing uncontrollably—you know, just like they teach you to do in "Just Say No" class.

While the part where Dick says that I look like a "fucking coke whore" (awww...and here I didn't think I was skinny enough) is an undeniable family favorite, I still think the classic moment comes when male compatriot Alfonso (who keeps chanting cryptically "Joe Francis, Joe Francis, man") brings up partyboy-in-arms Keith Richards, which causes Dick to sober up for like 30 seconds and say in a super-stoic voice:

"No. Don't compare me to Keith Richards. I'm not that fucked up."

Also, I've been given an instructive lesson in The World Of Gossip as Giant Game of Telephone as I've been getting emails today from people that say things like, "Andy Dick peed on you? Wow!" and I have to gently correct them, "No, no, no, he just threatened to pee on me after peeing in front of me."

Finally. I have some idea of what it's like to be Bob Woodward.

THE OTHER TALENT SHOW
***TONIGHT***
9:30 pm - $6
34 Avenue A
(F to 2nd Ave.)
Lineup: Andres duBouchet, Laura Dawn, Ze Frank, Julie Klausner, Nick Krohl, John Mulaney, Mandy Stadtmiller

Buy advance tickets here.

...In other news, today's Page Six reports,

CRAZED comic Andy Dick has been banned from next month's New York City Underground Comedy festival following his bizarre behavior at Comedy Central's roast of William Shatner. As Page Six reported, Dick licked the faces of Farrah Fawcett, Carrie Fisher and Patton Oswalt before groping and biting the hand of Post reporter Mandy Stadtmiller backstage after the taping last Sunday. Festival spokesman Ryan McCormick says the ban on Dick will be rescinded only if he wears a Hannibal Lecter mask, comes with a doctor's note stating that he has had tetanus shots and agrees to buy Stadtmiller an "all-expense paid vacation to Hawaii."

Now that's a fresh little piece of tuna!

On Sept. 14 I will be competing in the festival's Funniest Reporter in NYC Contest at Gotham Comedy Club. But tonight, get your thespy self down to Mo Pitkin's. I'll be the one who doesn't look like a fucking coke whore. Thanks.