Highlights and review of Tony Danza and Don Rickles at the North Fork Theatre in Westbury
Tony Danza opens. He decries his show's cancellation. He tapdances. He sings songs. He plays the ukulele. He plays the horn. He does a rap about famous people born in Brooklyn. He takes off his jacket. The octogenarians cheer. He spotlights the woman in the audience who has the "Tony, Be My Boss" sign. He tapdances some more. Katherine whispers to me with her eyes popping reverentially, "This is truly horrible." The pink-lipsticked blonde in the bathroom disagrees.
A 20-minute intermission. A vodka soda, a gin and tonic. It's Miami Beach in here.
The orchestra starts up. Rickles is amazing. Rickles is fucking amazing. Rickles is fucking fucking amazing. "Are you ready to see a real performer?" Katherine asks me. I am. Rickles sings "Yankee Doodle Dandee." Rickles reminisces. A lot. He and Newhart. He and Newhart and their wives. Women and their jewelry. His wife drowned today, her jewelry-laden ass sunk her to the bottom. "You had to be there," he says. "It was really something." Talks about how much he misses Sinatra. Talks about how Francis had a special name for him backstage. Yeah. It was "get out of my way Jew." Rickles has a line for everyone. Calls Danza the Italian midget. Turns to the bandleader, says, "Look at this guy, passed away three years ago." Looks at the venue, says with an eye roll, "Oh sure. You do good at Westbury, you get to play Suffolk County." Does the racial humor. "Thank God for the Orientals, without them, the Jews would have no place to eat on Sundays." A lot of sexual stuff. Swings the microphone between his legs. Handshakes the pretty women. Invites a young man up, relishes in the awkwardness of a too-long hug. They dance. They pretend to pray in Japanese. More sexual stuff. "I made love to this one girl with a gap between her teeth. I wasn't sure if I was schtupping her or making tea." He does a million encores, but it's the song at the end that makes time stand still.
I am what I am
I am my own special creation
So come take a look
Give me the hook
Or the ovation
It's my world that I want to take a little pride in,
My world, and it's not a place I have to hide in.
Life's not worth a damn,
'Til you can say, "Hey world, I am what I am!"
He gets off stage. Does a funny forward walk and then a funny backward walk and then a funny forward walk again. A man is waiting for him offstage with a towel, and he's gone.
A 20-minute intermission. A vodka soda, a gin and tonic. It's Miami Beach in here.
The orchestra starts up. Rickles is amazing. Rickles is fucking amazing. Rickles is fucking fucking amazing. "Are you ready to see a real performer?" Katherine asks me. I am. Rickles sings "Yankee Doodle Dandee." Rickles reminisces. A lot. He and Newhart. He and Newhart and their wives. Women and their jewelry. His wife drowned today, her jewelry-laden ass sunk her to the bottom. "You had to be there," he says. "It was really something." Talks about how much he misses Sinatra. Talks about how Francis had a special name for him backstage. Yeah. It was "get out of my way Jew." Rickles has a line for everyone. Calls Danza the Italian midget. Turns to the bandleader, says, "Look at this guy, passed away three years ago." Looks at the venue, says with an eye roll, "Oh sure. You do good at Westbury, you get to play Suffolk County." Does the racial humor. "Thank God for the Orientals, without them, the Jews would have no place to eat on Sundays." A lot of sexual stuff. Swings the microphone between his legs. Handshakes the pretty women. Invites a young man up, relishes in the awkwardness of a too-long hug. They dance. They pretend to pray in Japanese. More sexual stuff. "I made love to this one girl with a gap between her teeth. I wasn't sure if I was schtupping her or making tea." He does a million encores, but it's the song at the end that makes time stand still.
I am what I am
I am my own special creation
So come take a look
Give me the hook
Or the ovation
It's my world that I want to take a little pride in,
My world, and it's not a place I have to hide in.
Life's not worth a damn,
'Til you can say, "Hey world, I am what I am!"
He gets off stage. Does a funny forward walk and then a funny backward walk and then a funny forward walk again. A man is waiting for him offstage with a towel, and he's gone.
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