Audio from the Dickcident is airing today starting with a newsbrief at noon on Stern (some bits of my interview with Stern reporter Steve Langford already broadcast Tuesday). I re-listened to the whole event on my digital voice recorder and was particularly amused by the part where Dick says, "I would date you. I would date you. I would date you."

Why. Why. Why am I so terrible at reading signals from men.

Also, in related news, wanted to share the fact that Patton Oswalt absolutely hit it out of the park at the roast. Really. I told Doug Benson, who actually wrote the joke for Oswalt about the Jessica Simpson vid that inspired the night's licking spree ("Does anyone here know how to give a rollerskate AZT?"), that when Oswalt went up to the mic there was a palpable electricity in the air. He was going to destroy. You could just feel it.

As soon as Oswalt said the AZT line, that's when Dick marched over to him and delivered the first long lick of the night. Oswalt then delivered one of the funniest improvs I've ever heard in my life:

"See you in 10 years, erections!"

A little later he noted: "Why do I feel like Courtney Love killed Andy Dick and put his skin on?"

Right. So, in addition to the distinct sound of streaming urine in the backstage audio I gave Stern, other highlights of the serenade include:

--when I challenge the comic about whipping it out in front of me and Dick responds that he did so in order to prove he was not doing drugs and then says he is going to pee on me and then asks that I help him out by writing something positive.

[PRO TIP: This is actually to-the-letter what you should do from the celebrity primer "How To Deal With Reporters When It Really Matters."]

--when he says that he only offered me coke because I looked like a cokewhore (again, TOTALLY missing the signals.)

--when he says a minute or so pre-bite, "I love her. I want her. I don't want her to leave. Don't leave, don't be a f---ing p---y. Don't p--- out."

--when dude foists himself on me near the end (I turn off the voice recorder right when it starts), I apparently react to molestation by nutjob comedy savants by laughing uncontrollably.

[PRO TIP: This is actually t0-the-letter what you should do from the journo primer "How To Deal With Celebrities When It Really Matters."]

--when he says that I better not mess with him, because he is not a come-and-go-kind-of-guy, which then inspires his friend Alfonso to pipe up and say, yeah, he's a come-on-your-face-kind-of-guy (Alfonso then demands that I give him credit for that joke.)

So, uh.

Hey, everyone.

Alfonso came up with the come-on-your-face-kind-of-guy joke.

...The two interviews I recorded right after were with Jeffrey Ross and Greg Giraldo and both end with me saying, "Well...thanks for not biting me!" While this seems like it has the potential to be a delightful new tagline for me as a reporter, I'm thinking I will retire it immediately.

...Meanwhile, the world proves their cleverness yet again through the medium of electronic mail. Particularly enjoyed these:

1) From publicist Matthew W. Caldecutt:

Since Hallmark doesn't make any cards for the occasion

I'm sorry that Andy Dick

...is Andy Dick

2) From comedian Michelle Collins, now blogging full time for "Best Week Ever":

My coworker and I wrote a limerick about you:

the girl who was bit by andy dick
got her tale in page six awfully quick
they checked her for rabies
and then andy's babies
all from one unwelcomed lick

3) From comedy writer Courtney Lilly:

Once bitten by Andy Dick I know one's immediate concern goes to whether or not you're hours away from turning into a Vampire, Werewolf or drug-addled gay man. However that comes out, the only place that makes sense for you now is Los Angeles. There's a whole community out here for people, like yourself, who've suffered as you have. And their numbers are growing. In fact, Dick bites are now the Number One cause for non-Hispanic immigration to Los Angeles, ahead of even Scientology. L.A. is here for you, Mandy -- and we understand.