1) I coined a new word today as I was writing in my Gay Little Diary, and by gay I mean otherworldly and designed by a power and hand greater than my own.

"He is a chump," I wrote. "A tool."

For handy reference, that's:

chool (n): a chump, a tool.

Ex: He is a chump, a tool.

2) I updated a comedy thesis I've held fast to for quite some time. Inspired by the popularity of Cat in a T-shirt, I've revisited my longheld stance that chick punching is the new racial humor. I'm going to go on record here and say that cats are the new chick punching.

3) I've decided I'm going to get a boob job made of feathers.