1) Me: "I feel a lot better when I don't drink. More even-keeled, happier, productive."

Father: "I don't know. It's all about balance. I find a drink when you get home really helps take the edge off."

2) Me: "This chick told me she thought I was anorexic. Don't worry, mom, I'm not."

Mother: "Well, Jane Fonda was anorexic her whole life, and she's a successful actress!"

3) Me: "Hey."

Sister: "You haven't written about me in a while. Also, are you a lesbian?"