You watch things happen. You see yourself. You are laughing. You are at the bar. You know that as you decide between that next drink that things are going to happen. You know that the bartender is looking at you, looking at the drink, looking at the glass, looking at the future, looking at the night. It's extra strong. You hate girls who drink and say I was so drunk! This first happened to you when you were 15. I was so drunk! You had never drank before. You talked about it on a radio show. You talked about this to your teacher who you had a crush on. You are weird. You were weird. You do not fit with the girls with the clothes and the jobs. That is stolen. That is a stolen line from Kyle. You enjoy talking to people. You enjoy writing. You enjoy being normal. You enjoy these conversations with people and that's what you soon realize. People are willing to talk. People lay out their cards. People lay out who they know. What can they do for you. What can you do for them. Is it a blow job? Is it a business card? Is it an introduction? Is it a laugh? A joke? A sparkle? A brief moment of respite from the misery of misery and the news and the new perspective and the realization that there is something you can make out of this life. Is it just hope that something could have been broken but wait now it's not you really thought you fucked it up this time but no it's going to be okay. Is it a coffee? Is it an orange juice? Is it that perfect bagel? Is it a clothes? A new clothes that looks so good and you look so put together and nothing can go wrong? And you never used to wear jewelry. You never used to wear jewelry. But you wanted to make yourself look expensive. You know what it means to be expensive. You know what it means to dip between the different worlds of the rich and the middle class and the poor. You get pulled into everything. You stayed up all night completing this assignment and that assignment. You wanted to know everything. You still do and you don't know that you can. You know that you can't. Your seven-year-old niece looked at you and you were floating from the wine and she said, "Where do you work?" And you said, "I have a writing job, sweetie." And she said, "You should be a teacher." And you want to tell her that you almost were but you dropped that too. And your mother once said, "You hate everyone." And you do. You really do hate everyone. You realize that you don't know what the next part is. Even when you have it all planned out. You have a timeframe and you have a structure and when something changes you switch and you find the new part. And then you are there. Here. Still here. Your car is full of the relics of a world falling apart. The Egg McMuffin wrapper. You told the people that you met about this because it was such a great story. It capped off nine years of being with the same person. And then you realized how wonderful it was to have that sense of release, that sense of discovery, that sense of possibility. That sense of things being possible. That's what everyone wants. They want that sense of reinvention. What have you done for me lately? That's what everyone wants to know. The screenwriting teacher who said do not yawn I do not want to see you yawning in class who used to have "heat" he does not now have heat. You understand heat. You had it in journalism. But it is journalism. The PIO pulled you aside in Arlington and he said you will not keep doing this and you said excuse me? How do you mean and he said look around journalism is a young person's business and you wondered if this was true. And you see that there is no point in this except there is such an incredible point. And you felt okay. Everything felt okay and then it didn't. That is the way that things normally happen. You don't understand this relationship that you have with people. Why be so scared? Why be scared of living and your own body? You don't understand that. You are a little bit concerned by that. And the nurse is looking at you crying and you just keep crying and you can't stop crying and she says what is wrong honey you have nothing to be worried about why are you so worried about this did someone you know die is it just Peter Jennings and you explain about your uncle and watching him die although you've never thought about that as being anything. It was hard but it was not even your father. Your father is alive. Your father married your mother. A second time and your baby niece was there and she crawled around on the floor and everything was a perfect mess and you bought roses and champagne and you felt it all deep down into your feet and she played with your shoes. Allison touched your shoes and you felt this deep touch with the world and you did not understand how anything could ever be wrong again. She was touching your shoes and she smiled and the pictures were so beautiful and they just kept coming. She kept making new ones. And your parents are now married and that's when the splitting headaches started and you sat on the couch and you said perhaps I should we could why don't we want to reconcile and you realize why you don't want to it is such a terrible idea and you don't understand what the next chapter will be. Except it will be full of pictures and you know that. It will be full of the pictures and the words that you started writing about when you were just a girl and actually the writing was not all that bad. And you hear the mayor of New Orleans saying that they need to get every fucking Greyhound bus down here and you get a chill down your spine and you drive down the drive and your sunglasses and the feeling that is there. It keeps being there. And you see that this is history. You have your heavy history book, you enjoy this book. It contains pages that are completely highlighted, there is perhaps one line that is not highlighted. One line. You thought everything else was so important and you fell asleep in that yellow room that was always covered in the laundry and you said wake me up in 10 minutes and I will keep studying and you just wanted to keep studying. And he would tell you that he wanted to throw away all of your books on writing so that you would just keep doing it. Just do it. And it was a Nike slogan and you knew that. And you did it and you are doing it. And Maura told you to start this and you did and then everything kept happening and you know that this is history. You know that when you are older and you are dead when this is all said and done they will look back if they are able to have history books that actually tell history and you know that it will be the defining story, the story that people remember about how a government lied and said one thing and the world saw the rest. The tragedy piled up into the feces and the water and the dead bodies and the government said it is okay and it is great and the shoes. There is always shoes. Dead shoes and body bags. And the misery of the world is imposed by you and by me and by them. And you tell people about the Hummer date and people look at you and realize you can slip into that world. You can slip into the Hummer. And he had told you a story about these girls these dancers and they jumped around and they were fat and stupid and you relate to those stupid fat fucking girls. And you relate to the people you hate and despise but there is no end to this story. There is not. It is a story that keeps on telling itself.