 South Beach

Ketosis
The best thing about filing for bankruptcy? Zero net carbs.

 Benefits

Social security
Me: What are you doing? 63-year-old: Watching the news. I'm addicted to it. I can't stop watching. Me: Tell me something newsy. 63yo: Did you know Sean Combs is hosting the MTV Video Music Awards? Me: I do now. 63yo: It's on the ticker. Me: I see. 63yo: I'm addicted to the ticker. Me: Okay. 63yo: It kind of bothers me. Me: What's that? 63yo: How they don't use his full name. Me: Meaning? 63yo: You know. It should be Puff Daddy. Or P Diddy. Or both. Me: You're right. 63yo: I like him. Me: You do? 63yo: I can relate to P Diddy. He seems approachable. Me: I can see that. 63yo: Unlike Snoop Dogg. I think he might intimidate me.

 On the road

Off to Aruba
Bloggy McBlogalot is on vacation through the end of the month in preparation for her new project: Movey McSettlinginabunch She recommends Googling "big yuks" and "I'm sorry for cheating, Sienna" until such time as she returns.

 Standard Book of Spells, Grade Six

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: The-Spoilers-That-Must-Not-Be-Named
1) New character Prime Minister "Schmony Blair" offers delightful blend of toothy Anglican free-market centrist and completely fictional little bugger. 2) Quidditch now brought to you by McDonald's. You're lovin' it. 3) Downloading "Hot Coffee" mod unlocks hidden snogging, makes Potter extra fanciable. 4) Plotline less Wiccany, more Wiccanish. 5) China National Offshore Oil Corporation puts in $18.5 billion bid to buy Hogwarts; Hagrid unswayed. 6) Kevin Federline revealed to also speak Parseltongue. 7) J.K. Rowling hologram appears midway through novel, demands a pound to spare Hermione's life, settles for 20 pence. 8) Key minor character discomfited, recovers in due time. 9) Wine still "bloodred." Blood new playful shade of mauve. 10) Dark Lord releases sex tape, says, "That's hot."

 Rule #1 You must be a Joey Potter fan

Voice of a demographic
Me: So what's big among 17-year-olds nowadays? Do you like Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, all that stuff? 17-year-old: Not really. I mean if you put a steak in front of me and my friends, we'd eat it. We don't really like that kind of thing. Me: What TV shows do you like? 17yo: Teen soaps are pretty big. We like those. The WB has good shows. Me: Like "One Tree Hill"? 17yo: You know "One Tree Hill"! I just saw Gavin DeGraw in concert. I love him. I'm really into acoustic guitar. Me: What about "7th Heaven"? Do you like that show? 17yo: That show sucks. I'm really into Hollywood, though. I want to be an actress. I say I'm like Rachel Bilson on "The OC." I used to say Katie Holmes on "Dawson's Creek," but I don't like her now. My friends don't like her anymore either. Me: Why not? 17yo: Because of the Tom Cruise thing. Me: I'm sorry. The Tom Cruise thing? 17yo: They're engaged! They're getting married! Me: Really? I hadn't heard. 17yo: Oh my god. Me: So what's wrong with Tom Cruise? 17yo: Um, nothing. Except he's totally gross.

 A spell

The most effective way to decline a social invitation while inspiring a profound sense of personal inadequacy in your rivals
"That sounds fun, but I'm kind of busy listening to Nina Simone right now. Sorry."

 Dope stairs

Punchline
"And now with the advent of TiVo, we're being told what to watch, what to do, what else we might like. It's like, 'You're not my boss, you're not my slavemaster,' you know? It's ridiculous." "You own a TiVo then?" "Thinking about it. Seriously thinking about it."

 Four stars

Zagat's guide to your ass
"Practically a historic institution," gush fans of this quaint, plucky community favorite. Although "unpredictable at times," newcomers will find "plenty to hold on to" and a "smooth," "fresh" texture that more than makes up for those "troublesome little pocks" and the "terrible customer service." Regulars advise "don't be afraid of the neighborhood," and whatever you do "try to have a good time."

 Continued freshness of appreciation

Self-actualization
Overheard walking past Transitions Bookplace & Cafe: "If everyone wins and no one loses, how can that be a bad thing?"

 Composition

SnorgWatch 3005
Zorfnorf, the unpredictable 31-year-old citigillian sensation, was spotted froofing an undisclosed number of frekkians today in the middle of the posh snorglet hangout Glorshtopia, sources confirmed. "What a whore," a giggling Fraktipi that refused to identify itself said. "Whore, whore, whore." Best known for crushing 18 of her past 19 lovers with her bare hands, Zorfnorf is also heavily promoting her album, "Too Many Arms," as it rides to No. Wal-Mart on the intergalactic charts. "Still a whore," added the unidentified Fraktipi. "Whore, whore, whore." Zorfnorf appears tonight on "Cradle Your Beak Around My Pfleffer," 8 p.m., Wal-Mart Standard Time.

 Spirit

Keeping Cougars on the right track
When "Neuromancer" feels a little heavy and "Catch-22" a little light, I reach for summer reading I can count on: the 1987 Mann Middle School "Lasting Impressions" yearbook. If you think you know Mann Middle School, think again. Gem after gem can be found inside this powder-blue, perfect-bound book, filled with a virtual hit parade of motivational headlines and active verbs. No story takes the easy way out. "Friendship is on the menu" provides a refreshing look at the more playful side of the school's cafeteria workers. "Eighth-graders are on the move" dispels the myth that the upperclassmen are complacent. "Seventh-graders are on the move" provides a provocative counterpoint. Even the more basic features ("Classes offer variety," "Clubs promote excellence," "Staff at work") supply the literary ride of a lifetime. I'm not going to give it away completely, but let me say this: the variety is various, the work is laborious. With so much content to choose from, I would make the argument that the most lasting impression "Lasting Impressions" makes is the "favorites" page. I never get tired of filling it out. Favorite Thing To Buy For Lunch: 1) Ice cream 2) Hawaiian Punch 3) Cheeseburger 4) Sandwich Favorite New TV Series: 1) Alf 2) Perfect Strangers 3) American Shopping Channel 4) Easy Street Favorite New Kid Shows: 1) Dennis the Menace 2) The Real Ghost Busters 3) Galaxy High 4) Rambo — Force of Freedom Most Admired Female: 1) Vanna White 2) Nancy Reagan 3) Mother Teresa 4) Corazon Aquino Answers: 3, 3, 4, 1

 Seeing the light

Breaking news
Scientists report snark cures cancer!In a related story, see: Snarkists report cancer cures snark!

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