Mandy Stadtmiller Dot Com

Initial reactions to 'Hit Me Baby One More Time'

Despite the title, this is in fact not the show about Bobby Brown.

That show is apparently "on another channel."

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Intergalactic, planetary, planetary

Top resolutions among men ages 35-45 after seeing 'War of the Worlds'

1) Get a storm shelter.

2) Get a gun.

3) Get a vasectomy.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Oh snaps

Martha Stewart catchphrase finally revealed

"If I were preparing roasted halibut and zucchini with a rich butter sauce for a small but elegant wedding party in the Hamptons right now, you would be the tablespoon of dry white wine. Interesting, but ultimately replaceable. I'm sorry. I don't know how to say it any clearer than that."

Monday, June 27, 2005

Secret garden

Telltale signs of a successful summer

1) An opening montage

2) Knowledge of what someone did

3) Crazy bikini wax anecdotes, and plenty of them

4) Mani-pedi-liposucti

5) Seasonal employment

6) LDL 90/HDL 55

7) Weak o'seas B.O.

8) High hopes for animated laffer

9) Oceans, ponds, whales, and more

10) Brief graphic nudity

11) Use of –tastic in literary pocket

12) Disco queen with string of hits from the 1970's

13) Beach house, water balloon fights, party dudes, bikini-clad babes

14) Sizzling specials

15) Carefree attitudes

16) Anthropomorphic make-out session between "War of the Worlds" QuickTime trailer and "Batman Begins" Fandango receipt

17) Enrichment, preferably in programmatic format

18) Household hazards hunt

19) Daddy rich, mamma good-lookin'

20) Back of neck, dirty and gritty

21) Ass bodacious, tryin' to show patience

22) FUNdamentals

23) Record-breaking funperatures

24) Unconsciousness and possible funvulsions

25) Elaborate car chase, light joke to release tension

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Hustle, bustle

If Bruce Wayne was attacked by bunny rabbits as a child, how different things would be

The man:

"You've traveled the world. Now you must travel inwards to what is cute, and what is cute is inside you. There's no turning back."

The myth:

"I seek the means to fight that which is not adorable."

The legend:

"If I'm flesh and blood, I can be ignored, I can be destroyed. But as a bunny, as a fluffy, snuggly, little bunny with white floppy ears, two button eyes, and a wet pink nose, I can be incorruptible. I can be everlasting."

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Amulet

The most difficult lyrics from the Flashdance soundtrack to work into water cooler conversation

Grip travel mug firmly.

"Do I know your name?"

Disengage safety on hot water dispenser.

"You can tell me lies."

Submerge Lemon Soother completely.

"Show me all the secrets."

Bob teabag with vigor.

"Hidden in your thighs."

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Engram

A day in the life of the TomKat Enterprise

8 a.m. Wake up.

8:01 a.m. Make love.

8:02 a.m. Realize missed opportunity.

8:04 a.m. Reenact highlights for Greta Van Susteren.

8:16 a.m. Declare, "I'm so in love with this morning!"

9:01 a.m. Google "I'm so in love with this morning," "Greta," "TomKat." Pump fist in air.

9:02 a.m. Stare in mirror.

9:03 a.m. Purse lips.

9:05 a.m. Relish life free from negative trappings of the reactive mind, God-like status of perfect mental, emotional, and physical health, and general infallibility.

9:29 a.m. Toast bagel.

10:12 a.m. Check on evil intergalactic overlord Xenu, ensuring continued imprisonment on electronic mountaintop.

10:15 a.m. Wash dish.

10:34 a.m. Realize body is composed of thousands of aliens from all over the universe fighting for control of pristine being.

10:36 a.m. Make love again.

10:49 a.m. Flip through DVD collection. Ask, "Why? Did you want to watch something?"

11:16 a.m. Relish potential of a world free from crime, insanity, and war.

11:58 a.m. Reheat Chicken Dunks.

12:38 p.m. Plan afternoon hike to Bridge to Total Freedom.

1:30 p.m. Experience break in the Affinity-Reality-Communication Triangle.

1:45 p.m. Try not to panic.

2:11 p.m. Panic.

3:15 p.m. Begin Purification Rundown.

4:47 p.m. Decry ritual as "so 'Dianetics' Chapter 3." Take extra dose of Niacin just in case.

5:14 p.m. Nibble on light salad.

6:38 p.m. Reject Green Goddess dressing as blasphemy.

7:12 p.m. Attend scrapbooking party.

8:38 p.m. Write in glitter pen, "The doctrine does not fail, but people do."

9:37 p.m. Enjoy evening of Jenga.

10:52 p.m. Begin to drift off to sleep.

10:53 p.m. Whisper romantically, "You had me at Operating Thetan, Level III."

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

To the rescue

Emotional IQ

I would save the children, but I feel as if the children would not do the same for me.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Atrium

Squandered reality conceits throughout history

"Whig Eye for the Federalist Guy"

"For Love or Cotton Gin"

"The Puritan"

"The Puritanette"

"Last Suffragist Standing"

"Genteel Idol"

"Who Wants to Marry a Harlot?"

"Elemimancipation"

"The Littlest Duel"

"Extreme Land Rush: Homestead Edition"

"I'm a Plantation Mistress, Get Me Out of Here!"

"New Deal Island"

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Old Testament

Rejected names for Eminem's "Anger Management" tour

Talk, Trust, and Feel

You Should Smile More; Your Face Won't Break

Using Humor

What I Hear You Rapping Is...

Get Your Angries Out

It's All About Communication

Creative Choices

Let's Not Be So Hard on Ourselves

Finding a Release in Exercise

Sorting Buttons, Counting to Ten

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Bottoms up

Suggested small talk if attending slumber party at Neverland this weekend

1) Child molestation acquittal makes chin cleft even more impish than before.

2) The vigil—it totally worked!

3) Never believe the children.

4) Three words: Jesus, unicorns, and kittens.

5) Whatever you do, avoid any and all phrases ending in "o," excepting "Hoo hoo!"

6) What part of "Your butt is mine" did the district attorney not understand? And what about "You know, you know, you know it, sh'mon?"

7) Finally, no more tossing and turning. Looking forward to sleeping like a dangled baby again.

8) Anyone who could love a chimp like that could never fellate a child. A chimp maybe, but not a child.

9) Why didn't they prosecute the real culprit here? Cancer, anyone?

10) Thousands of screaming fans can't be wrong. Ever.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Entrance

Under pressure

It's not easy being punk rock at Chili's.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Tarts

Blueshammer

It was only a matter of time. I joined MySpace last week on a whim. Today I got a friend request from Huckleberry Groove.

Thursday, June 9, 2005

Sticks and stones

Harsh realm

Me: Hi is this the Starbucks near that Barnes & Noble?

Employee: Yes.

Me: Near that Urban Outfitters?

Employee: Uh-huh.

Me: Near that other Starbucks?

Employee: That's the one.

Me: I left an H&M bag there. Could you see if anyone has turned it in?

...Waiting music...

Employee: Nope. Haven't seen it.

Me: Oh. Well, thanks for checking anyway.

Employee: I mean, what'd it have in it? Was it small? Was it medium?

Me: Excuse me?

Employee: Was it pink? Did it have ruffles? What about ribbons or bows?

Me: I'm sorry?

Employee: I'm just giving you shit.

Me: Oh. Right. That's very clever of you.

Wednesday, June 8, 2005

Sticking it to the man

Googlewhack

I updated my Friendster profile today. It took a lot of work, but I think I've finally captured my fragile essence for all eternity.

About Me: I went on a date with a Brahmin last week who said he had nightmares of the poor revolting.

Who I Want to Meet: Witty hipsters with big penises. Or, world peace.

Mood ring

Tuesday, June 7, 2005

How to end a fight so everyone wins

Peel off "Super work" sticker. Slap on companion's chest.

Allow time to pass.

If necessary, follow with "Well done."

Monday, June 6, 2005

Croissant d'Or

Personal growth

I dropped out of Friendster a year ago because I am petty and small.

I decided to join again today because I am petty and small.

The most cyperpunk, dystopic moment came in the form of an email from Friendster revealing how my future ex-husband—and new BFF—truly feels about me.

"Whew!" the subject line read. "Mike really does like you on Friendster."

You put yourself on the line, risked it all and it has paid off richly. Mike has accepted your invitation to be Friendsters! Oh the times you'll have - - chatting, joining groups together, checking out your joint horoscope, reading each other's blogs, and more.

Our parents will be so pleased.

Thursday, June 2, 2005

"We've traveled millions of light years across the galaxy to bring you this message of peace and brotherhood...One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock rock!"

A glance in the mirror in the harsh light of the early morning sun

I just finished watching the entire "Sex in the City" series.

This is clearly now between me and my god.

Wednesday, June 1, 2005

Niecey McNiecealot

The number 1 secret to smoothing out awkward pauses in conversation

"Remember?

"From before?"

Thursday, June 30, 2005