Cinefile
As if Robert McKee's "Story" wasn't entertaining enough, what with all the Venn diagrams and plus/minus charge variations harkening a science lesson on cell membranes, there's this passage:
After retarding pace, we build the progressions of the following act until we top the previous Climax in intensity and meaning. Act by act, we tighten and release tension until the final Climax empties out the audience, leaving it emotionally exhausted but fulfilled. Then a brief Resolution scene to recuperate before going home.
It's just like sex. Masters of the bedroom arts pace their love-making. They begin by taking each other to a state of delicious tension short of—and we use the same word in both cases—climax, then tell a joke and shift positions before building each other to an even higher tension short of climax; then have a sandwich, watch TV, and gather energy to then reach greater and greater intensity, making love in cycles of rising tension until they finally climax simultaneously and the earth moves and they see colors. The gracious storyteller makes love to us. He knows we're capable of a tremendous release...if he paces us to it.
 Nightlife
The benefits of small talk at a wedding, part 2
You learn... About the best idea for a restaurant name ever:
Club Baby Seals.
 Jacques-Imo's
The benefits of small talk at a wedding, part 1
You learn... How right before Merle Haggard starts a show, he says, "Let me take a moment to introduce my band."
Behind him, the band members turn to one another and shake hands.
 Business
Last stop: Yukkstown, Ohio
Live from Crush...
Is it just me or did US Weekly really drop the ball on their Terri Schiavo coverage?
They've got a journalistic responsibility to uphold. She's easily committed like 18 different fashion don'ts, the makeup is completely wrong, and they're just going to let that go?
I appreciate a good dose of US Weekly. This is a magazine done by people who are not afraid to speak their minds. Back in the day, you kind of expected them to come right out with a big in-your-face headline: "Looks like Superman isn't so super anymore, is he?"
Lately I've appreciated their coverage of the Olsen twins, those adorable billionaire imps. "Inside, it's Mary-Kate and Ashley, live and uncensored! They're sisters, media mavens, and best friends to boot. These girls have it all—now if only they could lose some weight."
I enjoy meeting other comedians. I was talking to a woman recently who told me she got into comedy because she wanted to help the "cancer kids." Which I found interesting, because the first thing I'd think you could do to help the cancer kids would be to stop calling them the cancer kids.
I think world affairs are important. I saw that Time magazine recently scored a big news get. "Poverty" was the cover story. But not just poverty. "Poverty: The solution." I am so glad to see that they have finally cracked this case wide open—and also left room for a Q & A with Lil' Kim.
My favorite portion of the news is the "What are we going to tell our kids" segment. Do you think we could get a middle-aged, overweight, balding expert to guide us through? Put everything in terms that our kids might understand? "Listen honey, just because Kevin Federline got Britney pregnant does not mean that this is going to happen to you. You have nothing to be worried about, you are going to be okay, and you should always be prepared. Take this six-pack of Trojans. It's off to bed with you."
I like to work. I like being employed. One of my favorite people at work is the way too violent for the situation guy. "You want me to what? You want me to build that Web page? No problem. See what we need to do is just take this file right here and really jam it up in there, just kind of slam it and jam it, and then you take this line of html code and see you just kind of fingerfuck it for a while, and then you, what? ...What's your problem? I'm just telling you what the manual says."
I have a lot of friends. I'm not bragging. It's not bragging when it's true. I think the most adorable friends are the ones who call you up whenever anything really shitty is happening in your life. You win a million dollars, you ride around in a parade for awesome people, and nothing, no call. But you lose your job, you wet yourself in a public place, and these are the people who are the first on the horn.
- "So the urine just kind of trickled down your leg, you say? An entire roomful of strangers? And it was being webcast live? Wow, yeah, that must have been awful. So listen I know this reporter who's doing a story on adult incontinence, and I think you'd be really great for it. It'll be just like O, except for people who pee themselves. Think about it, that's all I'm saying. Let's not wait so long to talk next time, okay? You take care now. And stay dry! Just kidding around. No, but seriously, try to stay dry, okay?"
 Verdi Mart, yum-yum
Miss Congeniality, too
Beware people who...
Imitate a juggler whilst saying, "Got too many balls in the air."
Exclaim, "Oh my gooshness."
Are kind of fanatical about keeping up with the one-a-day calendar.
Lower voice to a husky whisper, lean in, and say, "What we've got coming down the pipeline is even more exciting."
Go on "vacay."
Marvel at knowledge of the word "cadre."
Ridicule for knowledge of the word "cadre."
Launch into a lengthy satire of "Sesame Street," and say, "What is today brought to us by the letter C, C is for cadre?"
Wince at Whole Foods knockoff People's Market and say, "I don't go there. That place is all Hitler or something."
Employ any use of "gal pal."
Blog and/or blogalot.
 'I know a lot of people who'd kill for that little waistline of yours.'
 Hi, guy
Win friends, influence people
1) Approach stranger on subway platform. 2) Stare. Then ask. 3) "So do you think we're having a missed connection here?"
 JEOMK
Fiction fun storytime corner
Patient: I want to fuck you.
Therapist: This is your time.
 "I DECLARE, I don't know what makes me so nervous this afternoon! I have the strangest feeling—just as though something were about to happen."
An 800-number home companion
The most satisfying part of working the night cop shift in the tiny, carpet-stained room at the Des Moines police station was receiving collect phone calls from prisoners. The best one resulted in the front page headline: "Murder suspect says 'Steve' did it." You must remember, only 300 people live in Iowa. It's a pretty first name kind of place. This weekend, I heard a story from Adam who you might know from Chicago. He also used to receive phone calls from prisoners. For him it occurred while he worked as a deejay at a college radio station. Conversations usually went something like this. Operator: Will you accept a collect phone call from...
Prisoner: STEELY DAN!
 I'm riding on a rocket, and I'm looking for pizza
New results for "white smoke, ringing bells"
I've always had little patience for the lazily cut and paste email. Very often it comes from friends who are so clearly swept up in their own clever turns of phrase that they fail to delete the original recipient's name hidden deep within the expanses of the note. "Here's a little update on what's going on with me. Greece is amazing. The mountains and seas fill my dreams with rocky peaks and white-capped waves. From the medieval fortress of Ali Pasha to the sands of Skiathos, these lands inspire a spiritual awe that is a far more precious gift than any souvenir I could buy for you, Matt. The ebb and flow of the sea remind me that life is just like that ebb and flow. So many stories, so many memories. That is what is happening with me." But now that I've moved to Greece, I'm a big fan of the device. That is, in conversation and in correspondence, I have found just the right combination of words and expressions to convey that while my husband and I have decided to separate, all is good, all is great, dad still gives us the chocolate cake. Favorite reactions so far include... Architect: So what else is new?
Doctor: How does that make you feel?
Cab driver: In America, people treat relationships like pieces of clothing.
Actor: There's still time to register for my upcoming performance workshop!
Chef: But you're so normal.
Customer relations professional: I feel as though I should give you a hug.
CEO: Any more pics?
Comedian: Dude, stay off the craigslist.
 Little pillows
CV
"You're a writer," the 25-year-old web developer says as we walk to a club. "I think that would be hard." "It can be," I agree. "It's just one of those things." He nods. "You know," I say helpfully. "Everyone has different abilities that come naturally. Or that don't come naturally at all. Like I met a girl once who said she was so nervous whenever she had to write an essay, she wanted to throw up." He smiles. "It's hard to imagine that," I continue, "but I guess that's how nervous I used to feel when I competed in swimming in high school, like right before a swim meet or something. Especially freestyle. That was the worst." He nods and smiles. "I guess," I say, "everyone has their own things that they find difficult and different things they're good at." We walk in silence. "Yeah," he says. "I just meant hard to make a living."
 A dreaded sunny day
To wit
Live from the True-Brew Cafe... I flew into New Orleans, sat next to a Business Guy who gave me his complimentary snack bag. I said I didn’t want it but maybe I’d give it to a homeless person.
To this Business Guy responded, “Why do that when you could sell it to him instead?” And I thought that was a good idea, but I knew I could do better.
So instead I ripped out all the pages from Skymall, tied them up with a pretty pink ribbon, and sold them to the local street urchins for kindling. Because nothing starts a fire like pictures of motivational golf hoodies and an assortment of fine monogrammed cheeses.
My favorite character in advertising by far is the suspicious rebel character. This is a pretty hip guy. While his friend is simply trying to enjoy his crispy chicken product, Ol’ Mr. Ne’er Do Well has to question everything. “You think they’re juicy and tasty. Why buddy? Is it because they tell you that? You know that’s all part of their plan to make you think they’re juicy and tasty.”
Here I thought their plan was to get rich off the backs of morbidly obese Americans awaking ever so slightly from their diabetic comas to shove down another value pack of McGriddles. But what do you know. Maybe they just want to convince us it tastes a little bit more homecookiny.
Sometimes my heart goes out to advertisers, especially all those spammers out there. I got one the other day from Clerkaude Georgio and the subject line was, ‘Hi, my name is Allison.’ You know, right there. Dead give away, Clerkaude. I don’t have that kind of time. Especially when I’ve got a Nigerian dictator who wants to share a big fat pot of money with me waiting in the wings.
I got an email from Martin Sheen during the last presidential election. I did think he’d have a hipper email address than info@deanforamerica.org, but hey, you know he plays the president on TV, not me. It's been a couple months now, and this guy is just terrible at K.I.T. I'm trying not to take it personally, but it's hard when he's ignored every single one of the parties I’ve evited him to and blown off multiple—and I mean multiple—friendster requests.
I like to have role models. Since there aren’t any, I feel it's important to have sworn enemies. For the past five years my sworn enemy has been Kelly Ripa. She represents to me the pinnacle of Trideltization happening in society today. She is a woman who will let you know right away through a little upturn of that adorable priggish nose of hers if something is supercute or kind of weird. What’s really interesting is when every once in a while something kind of weird makes the big crossover. And you’ve got to admit, “Heya” is a supercute song.
It's always painful to realize that this country is run on a system of politics first established in junior high. President Bush's longtime friend reveals tapes he has of the president admitting to marijuana use, and what does the White House say? What is their official word? “Those tapes came from someone President Bush thought was his friend.” Added the spokesman later, "And less of a total gaywad."
 The big awesome
Mood warning!
Your message to mstadtmiller@yahoo.com regarding "retards" is likely to offend the average reader. You might consider toning it down.
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