Running into an acquaintance at La Guardia.

"How are you?" "Good, how are you?" "Good. So what have you been up to?" "I just wrote a book and won the Pulitzer. What about you?" "Oh, you know. About the same."

An editor suggesting how to prepare for a job interview.

"Lose the bobby socks, lose the backpack, and wear a skirt with a slit up to here."

Interviewing Gwyneth Paltrow at a junket in New York for "The Pallbearer" premiere.

"So do a lot of people ask you about Brad Pitt?" "Oh, look how embarrassed she is to ask me. That's cute."

A publicist interrupting a junket in New York for "The Pallbearer" premiere.

"Gwyneth, it's for you." (Whisper face.) "It's Brad."

Content strategy supervisor taking the floor during an Evite-organized brainstorm session.

"Okay, this is what we need to do. We've got all this content, and we need to put it in different 'buckets.' Let's write it on the board: Bucketize the content."

Content strategy supervisor keeping it real with her underling.

"Hey, sister, got a minute?" Inside closed doors: "Yeah, bad news, I'm afraid. We're going to have to let you go."

Trying to interview a blonde mustachioed First Assemblies of God minister.

"Why won't you talk to me?" "Because. You look normal, but for all I know you could be a lesbian."

A friend breaking through to her therapist.

"What can I do to pull myself out of this funk?" "I'm afraid that's our time."

My mother writing her company affiliation on the front desk sign-in sheet at The Sun-Sentinel in Florida.

Ha ha!

My father telling a joke.

"You know what USMC stands for? 'You signed the motherfucking contract.'"

An improv teacher answering an improv student who wants to know how to make it big.

"I'm going to be real honest with you. You'd have a better chance making it in hip hop. What is there? There's 'Saturday Night Live,' there's 'Mad TV,' and I guess now there's reality TV. 'My Big Fat Obnoxious Rape Victim' or whatever's on these days."

Talking to a fresh-faced college graduate who recently landed a job with one of the Big Five.

"Ernst & Young, eh? Congratulations. Going to have to lose the nose ring, I guess." "I know, I know, you don't have to tell me. My thesis advisor is a revolutionary Marxist, I know."

A mid-30s white male taking suggestions in a Second City class.

"Okay, can someone give me a current events topic that our panel of experts can discuss?" "The election!" "Mmmm, okay. Can I have another suggestion?" "Weapons of mass destruction!" "Come on, guys..."

A bendy yoga instructor breathing and moving in a "Breathing and Movement" class.

"Let me start off by telling you a little bit about myself. I'm an actor, a writer, and a teacher. I'm also a consultant in the Internet."

Asking advice from an editor.

"The farmer's market lady says she doesn't think I should cover it if I've never been to one before." "What would she say if you were writing about abortion? They're fruits and vegetables, for chrissakes."

A friend writing to a boyfriend.

"It was great to see you this weekend. I really enjoyed it." "Hello, I just received your email, and I want to thank you for your kind words."

A woman sitting on the bus confronting a man inadvertantly brushing snow on her.

"Excuse me. Hello? I said, excuse me." "What?" "You're getting snow on me." "I'm trying to get it off me! Shoot, always the sisters. You should be ashamed of yourself, a black woman. Always the sisters can't leave well enough alone."

A businessman telling a story.

"Guy in my company is dating this girl—gorgeous girl, but dumb as a rock. But she always keeps him in check, keeps him together. So we said she was like his guide dog, you know, like a service animal."

An acting teacher scaring his class straight.

"I know some actors who got lazy about warming up their voices, and let me tell you, it always catches up with you. They were very, very sorry. I know one fellow who lost it completely. Fortunately at the time he was working as a mime at Sea World."