1) In Los Angeles:

A Scientology recruiter approaches me with a pamphlet. "Do you want to take a stress test?" she asks.

"All right," I say.

"Put your hands on these metal cylinders," she says.

"How does it work?" I ask.

"Electromagnetic fields," she says. "Now think about something stressful."

The meter tips comically to the right.

"See that?" she says. "That's stress. Scientology can give you the tools to handle whatever it was that you were thinking about. What's on your mind that's causing so much stress?"

"Different things," I say.

"Have you ever heard of 'Dianetics'?" she asks.

She shows me an exploding volcano and celebrity testimonials. I point at a quotation.

"I know Tom Cruise," I say. "He's a movie star."

"That's right," she says. "He's a movie star. So what was it that you were thinking about?"

"Have you ever met Tom Cruise?" I ask.

"No," she says. "But I'd like to talk to you about the issue you were thinking about."

"Does it work like psychiatry?" I ask.

"No," she says. "It doesn't work like psychiatry. Now what was it that you were thinking about?"

"My cat," I say.


2) In Chicago:

The loudspeaker at Jewel-Osco blares over the produce aisle.

"Excuse me, shoppers. We wanted you to be aware that the K-Mart next door is on fire. You are free to keep shopping at Jewel-Osco. It is safe to continue shopping. When you leave the store just watch out for, you know, embers."