Weddings attended this weekend: 1

Weddings attended this year: 8

Hours spent in Seattle-Tacoma International Airport on Sunday due to inclement weather in Chicago: 9

Hours spent in Seattle-Tacoma International Airport on Sunday due to personal lifestyle choice: 1

Hours spent dreaming about Nicky Hilton from reading too much Vanity Fair: .5

Hours spent masturbating to the Proust Questionnaire from reading too much Vanity Fair: 7

Pictures of smiling Oprah skimmed: 29

Pictures of serious Oprah skimmed: 3

Epiphanies that if Oprah were able to merge with the Vatican, "Pope-rah" just might be the unstoppable, unifying force this country has been waiting for: 2

Books with the words "better," "life," and "now" thumbed through: 5

Books with the words "better," "sex," and "now" thumbed through: 0

Books with the words "better," "sex," and "now" gently ass-massaged and told to pick from any number of fine wines at the ready: 13

Body Shop lotions sampled: 10

Body Shop lotions purchased: 4

Body Shop heroin-balloon gift baskets swallowed whole: 19

Conversations started with "Where are you headed?": 27

Conversations ended with "Purgatory, most likely.": 26