All you really to need know you will learn the day of your divorce hearing
1) Don't be a Regretful Roger. Beforehand, maximize all opportunities for getting out of obligations with the "old ball and chain" excuse.
2) Ditto for "What can I say? You know how the wife gets."
3) Embrace your new single status with gusto. If the coffee vendor that morning is particularly cute, say, "Are you going to be around here for a while? I've got to run and get divorced, but I'll be back in one hour."
4) Add a half-wink to show you mean it.
5) There's a lot of downtime in the courtroom while other cases are being heard. While you're waiting, why not interject a few of your own pithy observations?
6) Speak from your heart with comments such as "But you guys seemed so perfect together," "Think of the kids," and "If you bought a Cutlass together, clearly a sacrament larger than marriage is being violated here."
7) Try approaching a few divorcees right after their decree has been handed down. Break the ice with "So I guess that makes you and me single, eh?"
8) If it feels right, start making out with your spouse minutes before your case is called. Hold up your finger, then breathlessly indicate, "Five more minutes, I swear."
9) Adding "I swear" makes anything more acceptable. Don't forget. This is court.
10) When that doesn't work, try adding "your honor."
11) Whatever you do, don't forget the air quotes.
12) Be true to yourself. No matter what that bitch of a courtroom clerk says, judges love funny voices.
13) Learn from other cases. If the judge tells a child support-paying father, "I don't want to see you back here anytime soon," why not repeat the same admonition to the judge when it's your turn?
14) Remember the funny voice!
15) Honesty is important. If you're still drunk from last night, simply say, "I'm still drunk from last night." Then overturn a bench, and yell, "Go Sox!"
16) If the judge seems horrified, that means he's probably waiting for you to start in on "We Are The Champions."
17) Don't be shy. That is counted as a "strike against you."
18) It may take a while to convince the appropriate parties, but lap dances are definitely marital property.
19) Swearing to tell the truth is boring. That's what they're expecting you to do. Take this opportunity to start the hand jive. Be sure to remind people how great that scene in "Grease" was.
20) If you don't tell the court now how you feel about Michelle Pfeiffer cheapening Olivia Newton-John's legacy in the sequel, you'll probably never have the opportunity to do so again.
21) Technically, the court reporter is not supposed to make a permanent record of your playing footsie. But try asking super, super nicely.
22) When the judge asks if you could possibly be pregnant before granting his verdict, lay down all your cards. Whip out the Walgreens pregnancy kit from your handbag, and ask, "I don't know. What do you think: Is that one bar or two?"
23) Will you ever have a better time to reveal your ambition to be a courtroom sketch artist? Show the judge your drawing, and say, "The shading on your second chin isn't quite right, but I'm new to this. Work with me."
24) Have you considered that His Honor might be interested in Amway opportunities?
25) You didn't read "Getting to Yes" for nothing, did you?
26) During the division of property, this might be your last chance to bring up "the wok with the broken handle."
27) Support your claim with Exhibits A and B.
28) If the judge can't be patient while the Photoshop loads on your laptop, that's his problem. Break the silence with a few good-natured comments like "Piece of shit pirated software" and "Raj never gets the good licenses."
29) When asked to speak, just weep softly. When a Kleenex is offered, refuse. Well, throw the box first. Then refuse.
30) Tell the judge you watch all the David E. Kelley shows, and you'd really like to guess what's coming next.
31) He may say, "No," but he wants you to guess. That's how they test you.
32) Seriously, how do you think he got to be a judge?
33) When the time seems right, lean in close, and ask in a knowing throaty whisper, "Whaddya think of the whole Harriet Miers situation?"
34) If he has no opinion, show him a particularly provocative political cartoon.
35) When he still has no opinion, ask if he missed the really funny thought bubble.
36) Ask if you can call him Your Sense of Humor-less.
37) Ask if he knows who has jurisdiction over Funkytown because you're going there later.
38) Note how your mascara does not run. Mumbly softly, "That's all Mary Kay," throw up your hands despairingly, and say, "I know, I know."
39) Ask if he can recommend a good pet psychic.
40) Ask if it's okay to say, "Dunh, dunh, dunh, dunh," like they do on "Law & Order" in between cases.
41) Ask if he if ever, you know, just gets kind of sad.
42) Ask if he minds if you shift from child's pose into downward dog. It calms you.
43) Ask if he is some kind of monster without any kind of feelings at all.
44) Tell him you just hope he doesn't have a family, that's all. Because you can't imagine what it'd be like to come home to a brick wall every night.
45) Weep softly some more.
46) If you are suddenly unable to recall how that one part in "Stairway to Heaven" goes, don't keep it to yourself. Maybe someone else might remember it!
47) A little air guitar never hurt anyone.
48) Tell him that you're not usually like this. This is the Divorce You, and if he could see the Real You, you think the two of you would really get along. Does he have a business card or something?
49) When the judgment is being handed down, don't be shy about finally belting out, "Your head is humming, and it won't go/ In case you don't know/ The piper's calling you to join him!"
50) After a few moments, ask, "That's how it goes. Right?"
2) Ditto for "What can I say? You know how the wife gets."
3) Embrace your new single status with gusto. If the coffee vendor that morning is particularly cute, say, "Are you going to be around here for a while? I've got to run and get divorced, but I'll be back in one hour."
4) Add a half-wink to show you mean it.
5) There's a lot of downtime in the courtroom while other cases are being heard. While you're waiting, why not interject a few of your own pithy observations?
6) Speak from your heart with comments such as "But you guys seemed so perfect together," "Think of the kids," and "If you bought a Cutlass together, clearly a sacrament larger than marriage is being violated here."
7) Try approaching a few divorcees right after their decree has been handed down. Break the ice with "So I guess that makes you and me single, eh?"
8) If it feels right, start making out with your spouse minutes before your case is called. Hold up your finger, then breathlessly indicate, "Five more minutes, I swear."
9) Adding "I swear" makes anything more acceptable. Don't forget. This is court.
10) When that doesn't work, try adding "your honor."
11) Whatever you do, don't forget the air quotes.
12) Be true to yourself. No matter what that bitch of a courtroom clerk says, judges love funny voices.
13) Learn from other cases. If the judge tells a child support-paying father, "I don't want to see you back here anytime soon," why not repeat the same admonition to the judge when it's your turn?
14) Remember the funny voice!
15) Honesty is important. If you're still drunk from last night, simply say, "I'm still drunk from last night." Then overturn a bench, and yell, "Go Sox!"
16) If the judge seems horrified, that means he's probably waiting for you to start in on "We Are The Champions."
17) Don't be shy. That is counted as a "strike against you."
18) It may take a while to convince the appropriate parties, but lap dances are definitely marital property.
19) Swearing to tell the truth is boring. That's what they're expecting you to do. Take this opportunity to start the hand jive. Be sure to remind people how great that scene in "Grease" was.
20) If you don't tell the court now how you feel about Michelle Pfeiffer cheapening Olivia Newton-John's legacy in the sequel, you'll probably never have the opportunity to do so again.
21) Technically, the court reporter is not supposed to make a permanent record of your playing footsie. But try asking super, super nicely.
22) When the judge asks if you could possibly be pregnant before granting his verdict, lay down all your cards. Whip out the Walgreens pregnancy kit from your handbag, and ask, "I don't know. What do you think: Is that one bar or two?"
23) Will you ever have a better time to reveal your ambition to be a courtroom sketch artist? Show the judge your drawing, and say, "The shading on your second chin isn't quite right, but I'm new to this. Work with me."
24) Have you considered that His Honor might be interested in Amway opportunities?
25) You didn't read "Getting to Yes" for nothing, did you?
26) During the division of property, this might be your last chance to bring up "the wok with the broken handle."
27) Support your claim with Exhibits A and B.
28) If the judge can't be patient while the Photoshop loads on your laptop, that's his problem. Break the silence with a few good-natured comments like "Piece of shit pirated software" and "Raj never gets the good licenses."
29) When asked to speak, just weep softly. When a Kleenex is offered, refuse. Well, throw the box first. Then refuse.
30) Tell the judge you watch all the David E. Kelley shows, and you'd really like to guess what's coming next.
31) He may say, "No," but he wants you to guess. That's how they test you.
32) Seriously, how do you think he got to be a judge?
33) When the time seems right, lean in close, and ask in a knowing throaty whisper, "Whaddya think of the whole Harriet Miers situation?"
34) If he has no opinion, show him a particularly provocative political cartoon.
35) When he still has no opinion, ask if he missed the really funny thought bubble.
36) Ask if you can call him Your Sense of Humor-less.
37) Ask if he knows who has jurisdiction over Funkytown because you're going there later.
38) Note how your mascara does not run. Mumbly softly, "That's all Mary Kay," throw up your hands despairingly, and say, "I know, I know."
39) Ask if he can recommend a good pet psychic.
40) Ask if it's okay to say, "Dunh, dunh, dunh, dunh," like they do on "Law & Order" in between cases.
41) Ask if he if ever, you know, just gets kind of sad.
42) Ask if he minds if you shift from child's pose into downward dog. It calms you.
43) Ask if he is some kind of monster without any kind of feelings at all.
44) Tell him you just hope he doesn't have a family, that's all. Because you can't imagine what it'd be like to come home to a brick wall every night.
45) Weep softly some more.
46) If you are suddenly unable to recall how that one part in "Stairway to Heaven" goes, don't keep it to yourself. Maybe someone else might remember it!
47) A little air guitar never hurt anyone.
48) Tell him that you're not usually like this. This is the Divorce You, and if he could see the Real You, you think the two of you would really get along. Does he have a business card or something?
49) When the judgment is being handed down, don't be shy about finally belting out, "Your head is humming, and it won't go/ In case you don't know/ The piper's calling you to join him!"
50) After a few moments, ask, "That's how it goes. Right?"
posted by mandy at 10/28/2005 01:18:00 AM
