Thirty-three reasons to belatedly celebrate the birth of my older sister, or else
1) She used to beat the shit out of me in the utility room when we were banished as kids to "go work it out."
2) Seriously. Like crotch kicking, fists pummeling, girly slapping, hair pulling. It hurt.
3) One time I entered the house topless so as to avoid having her find out I wore her red shirt with the tiny flowers all over it.
4) She was a gray box in the yearbook when she transferred into Catholic high school her freshman year.
5) She transferred into Catholic high school her freshman year because after her first day of public high school, she came home and told my mother, "Guess what, mom? Sheri's going on the pill. Can I too?"
6) She used pliers to zip up her jeans before going down to the bars in Tijuana in high school.
7) She brought me down to the bars in Tijuana when I was 13.
8) She taught me that side-to-side, titties-out dance that is a guy magnet when you are 13.
9) Let's face it, that dance is just plain timeless.
10) If driving, she always had on the ready "You Shook Me All Night Long," "Come On Eileen," and some variety of Yaz.
11) She warned me, "Just because clove cigarettes don't seem like regular cigarettes, mom and dad can still tell you've been smoking."
12) She placed in the state on swim team.
13) During her brief career in modeling, she was told that she would star in a movie about a band of crime fighting hot women called the I-Team.
14) The money man behind the I-Team was then convicted of statutory rape. Amie noted, "He seemed gross."
15) Scott Peterson was in her high school class. Amie noted, "He seemed quiet."
16) She dated an Indian guy whose name she could not pronounce for quite some time.
17) She earnestly tried to sell cuff links in San Francisco that said "Dot Com" in the year 2000.
18) The Knob Hill Gazette ("Not just a zip code, an attitude") called her a local fashionista.
19) She wonders why you did not get that present she sent because she definitely sent it, maybe there is something wrong with the Post Office or something.
20) She is helping to raise two adorable little girls and one hilarious baby. Her husband is the ultimate party nice dude.
21) She would faithfully read my diary as a child ("Eric was looking at my legs today; he's in the fourth grade") and then faithfully sign the dotted line where I wrote, "If you are reading my diary, please sign here. DON'T READ IT, BITCH!"
22) She Googles this blog 29 times a day.
23) She writes in big loopy-lettered handwriting.
24) When she was upset at my mother in high school once, she covered my parents' entire bed in birdseed.
25) When the entire staff of the Sea World merchandise store was fired for stealing during her first summer job, she was kept on for her honesty.
26) She prevented her friend from sleeping with that one guy in the Indian costume at the Halloween party.
27) She gave me a quesadilla maker for Christmas. There are about 17 dishwasher-unfriendly components. I do not know how I ever made quesadillas before.
28) She had never been on the World Wide Web but was still offered a job at Yahoo during the Exuberance. "What is your favorite Web site?" they asked. "Oh, Victoria's Secret," she said. "I love the use of pink."
29) She owns the second oldest motor home in the United States. The owner's manual is really funny.
30) Her 7-year-old stepdaughter likes to sit on the bathroom counter as I put on makeup and say, "I like seeing all the things you and Amie do that are the same."
31) She was known as "Arnie" because of an administrative error during her first year of college.
32) She does not relate to "A Boy Named Sue."
33) I am six days past her 33rd birthday in writing this, which inspired her to observe, "I might be too tired to make my children food, but I still do it, Mandy. I still do it."
2) Seriously. Like crotch kicking, fists pummeling, girly slapping, hair pulling. It hurt.
3) One time I entered the house topless so as to avoid having her find out I wore her red shirt with the tiny flowers all over it.
4) She was a gray box in the yearbook when she transferred into Catholic high school her freshman year.
5) She transferred into Catholic high school her freshman year because after her first day of public high school, she came home and told my mother, "Guess what, mom? Sheri's going on the pill. Can I too?"
6) She used pliers to zip up her jeans before going down to the bars in Tijuana in high school.
7) She brought me down to the bars in Tijuana when I was 13.
8) She taught me that side-to-side, titties-out dance that is a guy magnet when you are 13.
9) Let's face it, that dance is just plain timeless.
10) If driving, she always had on the ready "You Shook Me All Night Long," "Come On Eileen," and some variety of Yaz.
11) She warned me, "Just because clove cigarettes don't seem like regular cigarettes, mom and dad can still tell you've been smoking."
12) She placed in the state on swim team.
13) During her brief career in modeling, she was told that she would star in a movie about a band of crime fighting hot women called the I-Team.
14) The money man behind the I-Team was then convicted of statutory rape. Amie noted, "He seemed gross."
15) Scott Peterson was in her high school class. Amie noted, "He seemed quiet."
16) She dated an Indian guy whose name she could not pronounce for quite some time.
17) She earnestly tried to sell cuff links in San Francisco that said "Dot Com" in the year 2000.
18) The Knob Hill Gazette ("Not just a zip code, an attitude") called her a local fashionista.
19) She wonders why you did not get that present she sent because she definitely sent it, maybe there is something wrong with the Post Office or something.
20) She is helping to raise two adorable little girls and one hilarious baby. Her husband is the ultimate party nice dude.
21) She would faithfully read my diary as a child ("Eric was looking at my legs today; he's in the fourth grade") and then faithfully sign the dotted line where I wrote, "If you are reading my diary, please sign here. DON'T READ IT, BITCH!"
22) She Googles this blog 29 times a day.
23) She writes in big loopy-lettered handwriting.
24) When she was upset at my mother in high school once, she covered my parents' entire bed in birdseed.
25) When the entire staff of the Sea World merchandise store was fired for stealing during her first summer job, she was kept on for her honesty.
26) She prevented her friend from sleeping with that one guy in the Indian costume at the Halloween party.
27) She gave me a quesadilla maker for Christmas. There are about 17 dishwasher-unfriendly components. I do not know how I ever made quesadillas before.
28) She had never been on the World Wide Web but was still offered a job at Yahoo during the Exuberance. "What is your favorite Web site?" they asked. "Oh, Victoria's Secret," she said. "I love the use of pink."
29) She owns the second oldest motor home in the United States. The owner's manual is really funny.
30) Her 7-year-old stepdaughter likes to sit on the bathroom counter as I put on makeup and say, "I like seeing all the things you and Amie do that are the same."
31) She was known as "Arnie" because of an administrative error during her first year of college.
32) She does not relate to "A Boy Named Sue."
33) I am six days past her 33rd birthday in writing this, which inspired her to observe, "I might be too tired to make my children food, but I still do it, Mandy. I still do it."
posted by mandy at 9/29/2005 12:25:00 AM
