Beheadings are so last year, don't you think? Kind of like wearing white after Labor Day.

I'm pitching a new show to Comedy Central called "Mind of Menses." It's going to be all about me and then a bunch of crazy jokes about punctuation.

I'm opening a new McDonald's where all the drive-through clerks talk dirty to you as you order your hamburger. "Our quarter-pounder has 400 grams of fat. It's going to make your arteries rock hard. You're going to love it."

I get worried sometimes about the future of our nation, but then I remember that Laura Bush is encouraging reading, and nothing fights hurricanes and terrorism like literacy.

I opened a fortune cookie today, and it said, "Give up."

Have you ever been to an orgy, and you're the guy who brought the extra crunchy peanut butter instead of the smooth and creamy? God is that embarrassing.

I'm having a "six of one, half a dozen of the other" party. You should come. If you do, bring eggs. That'll do you for the entire evening.

Whenever I receive a spam message that tells me I can finally "afford" something, I immediately buy whatever the person is selling. Don't nobody call me poor, bitch.

I'm not gay, but I don't have the heart to tell all the lesbians I like to go singing in the rain with. In my top hat.

I'm not religious, but I don't have the heart to tell all the Hare Krishnas living in my van.

I'm not retarded, but I really don't want to return the medals.

I'm not suicidal, but I met the greatest guy when I called the hotline.