1) New character Prime Minister "Schmony Blair" offers delightful blend of toothy Anglican free-market centrist and completely fictional little bugger.

2) Quidditch now brought to you by McDonald's. You're lovin' it.

3) Downloading "Hot Coffee" mod unlocks hidden snogging, makes Potter extra fanciable.

4) Plotline less Wiccany, more Wiccanish.

5) China National Offshore Oil Corporation puts in $18.5 billion bid to buy Hogwarts; Hagrid unswayed.

6) Kevin Federline revealed to also speak Parseltongue.

7) J.K. Rowling hologram appears midway through novel, demands a pound to spare Hermione's life, settles for 20 pence.

8) Key minor character discomfited, recovers in due time.

9) Wine still "bloodred." Blood new playful shade of mauve.

10) Dark Lord releases sex tape, says, "That's hot."